Page 4 of The Secret Dinner

“What’s up?” I asked, pausing the video.

“It’s Piglet’s birthday next Monday. We need to decide on what we’re getting him.”

Every September it was the same thing: Piglet celebrated each year of his life as a victory. We always pooled our money to buy him something fun, usually Blu-rays of nerdy movies. This time I suggested a fish, a hamster, or a parrot, since he spent most of his days alone.

“It’s just that … this year we wanted to give him something special…” said Hugo, exchanging glances with Miguel, who was chewing gum with his mouth open. I quickly understood they’d already made other plans. “It’s just that … like … I was thinking … What’s one of life’s greatest pleasures?”

I sat there quietly, then realized he was waiting for me to guess. I rolled my eyes impatiently.

“What?”

“Getting laid!” said Hugo. “I think we can all agree Piglet isn’t exactly a ladies’ man, you know?”

“What exactly are you suggesting?”

Hugo beamed. “Let’s get Piglet a hooker!”

Hugo was back on the market, and now all he thought about was sex. He was turning more and more into a chauvinist caveman and there was no point arguing with him. Hugo was the definition of an alpha, a guy blessed by genetics, with green eyes and long, honey-brown hair (usually tied back in a man bun or covered with a baseball cap). Women always took the bait, and it wasn’t hard to see why: He was a moody, muscular chef covered in tattoos and piercings. But just like Hugo didn’t last long on any job, he also couldn’t keep a girlfriend: His ideas and contempt for the world were just too much. He treated women like food. After a while he got sick of them.

I always had the impression that Hugo was the kind of person whom I’d have hated if I met him when I was a little older. But we’d been friends since grade school, when our differences didn’t seem so glaring. Time had made us opposites, but our friendship remained secure.

“No way,” I said. “Hiring a prostitute must cost a fortune.”

“So what?” Hugo said in a blasé tone.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, man, but we’re fucking broke!”

I decided to refresh their memories. Everything was just getting more expensive. Our rent had practically doubled since 2018. It was a tightrope act trying to stay there, and I didn’t like the idea of moving someplace worse. That would be admitting failure.

“We should save our money, not spend it on a birthday fuck.”

“What’s your problem, man?” said Hugo, punching me in the shoulder. He knew I hated that and did it to provoke me. “Our little Piglet’s turning twenty-three and it’s pretty obvious he’s still a virgin. It’s up to us to set him up. For fuck’s sake, this is Copacabana!”

I was also sure Piglet was a virgin. But he was happy listening to porn and playing MMORPGs and first-person shooters. Why pile on even more? Besides, it wouldn’t exactly be easy to convince someone to sleep with him, even if she was getting paid.

“Sorry, guys, I’m broke,” I said, and that was that.

I put on my headphones and pressed play. Still standing there, Hugo said something to Miguel that I couldn’t hear, then unplugged my headphones from my computer.

“I’ve got a solution, tightwad. We know you’re just scraping by even though you’ve been putting in the hours at the bookstore, but we’ve got you. We’ll put up the money, all you’ve gotta do is find the girl.”

Sometimes the ease with which Hugo spouted off offensive things was shocking. He wasn’t doing it to be mean; he was just clueless. Even worse, now goody-two-shoes Miguel was in on it, a guy who’d only ever dated one girl and would probably marry her.

“This isn’t right,” I said, almost begging them to give up on the idea.

Hugo reached into the pocket of his worn jeans and took out his wallet. He tossed five hundreds onto the table:

“We’ve got the cash; you’ve got the time. Piglet’s never seen a pussy in real life. Everyone will be happy.”

Maybe I was less persuasive than I thought.

3

The next day I felt pathetic. I had to go to work late in the afternoon and had planned to interview prep in the morning for a government job that would be hiring in a few months. But I stayed in bed in my underwear with the air-conditioning on, flipping between browsing Tinder and looking for hookers for my morbidly obese friend.

I googled escort sites. Rio Dreams, VIP Gold RJ, Naughty Girls, Pinup Rio. You’ve got the time, Hugo had said. Apparently, I did. Sassy Brunette, Blond Freak, Sulamita, Sheron, Tuliane, Micaella, Capitu, Ana Kelly, Paola, Shana, and Mel. I figured Blond Freak might be a good bet. Unforgettable oral, vaginal, nice chat, and massage. Kissing: Yes. Anal: No. Men, women, couples. All cards accepted. I called her, explained the situation, she hung up on me. I guess Blond Freak wasn’t so freaky after all.

I tried another one: Sensational Blonde. Height: 5'5". Weight: 124 pounds. In bed I’m: Horny. I make your fantasies come true. Have toys. Hobbies: Working out. Food: Japanese. Music: EDM. Movie: Marley & Me. Book: Marley & Me. She hung up on me, too. I tried Mixed Dreamgirl, Asian Muse, the duo Milla and Camilla. The full girlfriend experience. Fee to be discussed, taxi fare not included. They all hung up on me. I ran through the menu of women and began to realize they were just like me. A lot of them probably had degrees in business and marketing. Kotler and Keller for call girls.