Page 68 of Goodbye Days

“You cool?”

“I’m good, I’m good.” Then after a few seconds: “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” I say.

“Naw, never mind.”

“Dude.”

“Naw, it’s weird.”

“Obviously. It’s you asking.”

“Promise I can trust you?”

“Yeah, man. Totally. For real.”

He sighs and scratches his head. He starts to say something and stops. He tries again. “How did— When did you find out you liked girls?”

I’m stunned. “Uh. You mean sexually or whatever? Since I was probably eleven or so. Why?” In my heart I already know exactly why he’s asking.

He takes a deep, shuddering breath. As if he’s about to try to escape a sinking ship. “Because. I…have never been into girls…that way. Ever.”

A long silence.

I want Blake to be the one to break it when he’s ready, but he doesn’t, so I do. “Are you into…?”

“Sheep? Naw.”

We laugh.

“Yeah,” Blake says quietly. “I think…it’s guys I like.” He adds, hastily, “Not you; don’t worry.”

“Wow.”

“Obviously I like you as a friend. But not that way.”

“Jeez, now I’m wondering if I should have moisturized or exfoliated more. I mean, I work out,” I say.

“No you don’t,” Blake says.

“Hey. I’m sorry, dude,” I say, my smile drifting off. “About every gay joke I’ve ever made. I didn’t mean it maliciously. Mars and Eli would be sorry if they knew. They aren’t really homophobic. None of us are. We just—didn’t think. It was dumb of us. I’m so embarrassed.”

“It’s cool. I’ll tell them someday, but let’s keep this between you and me for now, okay?”

“Yeah, man. Of course. But I am gonna tell them to chill and knock it off next time they make gay jokes. It’s shitty to joke like that anyway.”

“That I wouldn’t mind. It’s good to get this off my chest. You’re the first person I’ve told. Thanks for listening.”

“No problem. This won’t make us any less friends.” And after a second: “But real quick, is it my haircut?”

He didn’t tell her. I figured after he told me he’d tell her. It had been a little less than a year ago. And now I have to decide whether to let her completely know Blake.

If he wanted her to find out, he would have told her.

If he didn’t want anyone to find out, he wouldn’t have told me.

Maybe he wanted to wait for the right moment to tell her. He would have told her eventually.