Page 52 of Goodbye Days

“What a prince.”

“Adair.”

Her eyes narrow in contempt.

I stand there like a drooling, flustered idiot. “I’m sorry.”

Adair draws closer. “For what? Huh? What are you sorry for?”

An apparitional Mr. Krantz floats into my mind. This is dangerous territory. “I’m sorry about Eli and Blake and Mars. I loved them too.”

“Well, what did you do to Eli and Blake and Mars that you’re so sorry?”

I swallow hard, imagining my Adam’s apple looking cartoonish. “Sorry that they’re gone. I really miss them.”

Adair returns to her cloying sarcasm. “Aw. Yeah, Carver. Me too. I’m sure it’s terrible for you. I mean, Eli and I shared a womb and lived under the same roof for seventeen years, but let’s not forget about your pain.” Her voice begins to crack and tremble at the finish.

“I’m sorry.” My face reddens and heats further. Another person hurriedly slips past us, looking determinedly at the floor. This will be all over school in about fifteen minutes.

“You said that already.”

“What about Mars?” I ask quietly, my heart collapsing in on itself. What about Mars? Even you blame yourself more than you blame him. Coward.

She gives a curt laugh—more of a pointed, stabbing exhale. “Oh, I have plenty to say to Mars too. It’s just that, well, he’s not here because he’s dead and you’re not.”

We stare at each other for a moment. Her gray eyes seethe like molten lead. They burn my mind clear of words. But once more, Adair rescues me from having to say anything.

“I hope you go to jail. I really do. I hope you die there,” she says before she turns and walks away.

I slip into the buzzing cafeteria and scurry to a corner. I wonder how much of the low hum of conversation is already about my run-in with Adair. I lean against the wall and pretend to check my phone for nonexistent messages from friends, also wondering if any human being has ever had a worse first two days of school. I try to will my blood to absorb back the adrenaline. After a bit, the churning in my gut subsides, the redness leaves my face, and I try to find Jesmyn in the buzzing swarm. She finds me first, sneaking up on me from my left.

“Hey, mister,” she says.

I jump. “Hey.” We laugh nervously.

Then Jesmyn hugs me. It’s the first truly pleasant sensation of this whole day. Her body seems to fit me perfectly. Her cool cheek is against mine and the fluorescent lights of the cafeteria stream through her hair. She smells like laundry detergent and cherry candy. I wish I could enjoy it unreservedly without wondering if Adair saw.

You should tell her. You should tell Jesmyn that Adair is watching us, and that Adair thinks you’re moving in on her dead brother’s girlfriend. You should give Jesmyn the chance to get out while she still can and make some friends at school. You should let her choose not to be a pariah and a target like you. You should—

“You looked like you needed a hug. So, are you crazy?” Jesmyn asks.

“Rude. What if they said I am? Awkward for you.”

“Kidding. Do you feel better?”

There’s a good question. Before my run-in with Adair? Slightly better. And I didn’t melt down upon entering the school building, so: “Kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“I just had a fight with Adair. Really more her tearing me a new asshole.”

“Uh-oh.”

“Yeah.”

“It’ll take time for her. Like all of us.”

“A long, long time in her case.”