Page 47 of Goodbye Days

“You’re not exactly unbiased.”

He laughs. “No. True.”

“Does it ever make people worse?”

“Are you dealing with something you’re worried about therapy worsening?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you currently dealing with something in your life you’d like to talk about?”

I consider saying no. But I guess that wouldn’t be entirely plausible since, you know, I showed up for this appointment. “I—had a panic attack.”

He nods. “When?”

“Yesterday.”

“What were the circumstances surrounding it?”

“Aren’t there medications for panic attacks?” I ask.

“There are.”

“Then why don’t we do that?”

“We will. I’m going to send you home today with a prescription for Zoloft, a drug I’ve used with success to treat anxiety and panic attacks. But I like to start people on a lower dose, so that their bodies can acclimate, and then it takes some tinkering to get the right dosage. It can take weeks before things are dialed in right. In the meantime, we’ll be doing therapy. I’ve found this two-pronged approach to be the most effective.”

“I just wanted to save you some time.”

“I assure you my time is not so valuable that you’re capable of wasting it.”

“That sounds like a challenge.”

He smiles. “Do you feel like you’re in any physical danger? Like while driving?”

“I mean…not really. I know what an attack feels like now.”

“Your safety is paramount. If you ever feel that you’re in danger, I want to know immediately.”

“Okay.”

“What happened yesterday?”

I sigh. “It was as I was walking into school for the first day. Lost my shi—stuff.”

Dr. Mendez shrugs it off. “Word things however you want. You won’t offend me. I’ve heard it all.”

“Lost my shit in front of everyone. Completely freaked out. Fell and hit my head. I went home. I just couldn’t—That’s why I’m here.” It’s exhausting to say all this stuff out loud—but surprisingly less so than carrying it around.

“So you have this first panic attack and—”

I break eye contact.

Dr. Mendez pauses. “This is something that’s happened before.”

I raise two fingers, still not looking him in the eye.

Dr. Mendez nods and sits back, forming a triangle with his fingers. “Have these panic attacks come in conjunction with some precipitating event? Some new stressor in your life?”