Page 13 of The Build-a-Boyfriend Project

“Well, the dating apps are your first mistake.” Patricia picks up Eli’s phone from the coffee table, plugging in the passcode with ease. Being friends for as long as they have, there aren’t many secrets between the two of them. They’ve popped each other’s zits in awkward places and had full conversations with one sitting on the toilet while the other showered. Patricia helped administer Eli’s testosterone shots before he made the switch to the gel; Eli showed up at Patricia’s terrible dates pretending to be a scorned ex-boyfriend. They’ve even walked in on the other masturbating. Accidentally, of course, but there are certain walls around a friendship you can never put back up when you’ve seen your roommate having sex with themselves.

“You need to meet someone face-to-face,” Patricia says. “I think that’ll be good for you. Though, knowing your interests, I don’t think I can recommend you meet a guy at some Persona showing.”

“You say that like meeting people is so easy.” At least the dating apps had no stakes. If it fizzled out, it fizzled out.

“True.” Patricia nods. “But I know that you’re desperate enough, and if I have to suffer through one more of your depressive episodes where all you do is watch Wong Kar-Wai movies, then I’m going to put a bullet in my brain.”

“You liked Chungking Express.”

“Yes, that’s what I told you. But none of that matters right now.”

“So, what does?” Eli asks warily.

Patricia smiles at him slyly. “I’m glad you asked.”

“Oh no . . .”

Eli watches as she readjusts her position, scooting closer and leaving Eli’s phone to fall between the couch cushions.

“No, no. It’s not bad. I swear.”

“I feel like you saying that means it’s going to be bad.”

“Remember that guy I mentioned? The coworker of my friend of a friend?”

“Do you have a flowchart for me to follow?” he asks. “Maybe a PowerPoint presentation?”

“It’s not that complicated,” Patricia reassures him. “His name is Peter, he’s fresh to the city, doesn’t have many friends, and is very gay.”

“Pfft, well, then, sign me up!” Eli spouts sarcastically, trying to pick himself up off the couch, but none of his limbs really seem to be cooperating with him.

“Come on, you’re judging him before you’ve even met him.”

“Have you? Met him?”

Patricia hesitates.

“Okay, then.” Eli nods.

“He works at Zelus. The tech start-up.”

“And that’s a positive thing?” A tech bro? Eli can name about a thousand other professions he’d rather date before braving the tech world for dating options. “Anything else? If he drives a Tesla—”

“I know that he’s Korean. And his first name.”

“Do you have a picture? What’s his Instagram?” Eli digs in the couch for his phone, then pulls up the app, ignoring how Keith’s profile waits for him in Recently Searched.

“He doesn’t have one,” Patricia admits. “And I have no pictures.”

“You know nothing about this guy? Even what he looks like? He could be a murderer for all you know!”

“He’s not, I swear. Francine—the coworker—just thinks that he needs to get out more. Like you! He works totally remote, he’s pretty much logged on all day, declines all her invites out for drinks, never shows up at company outings.”

“So, it’s a pity project?”

“Eli . . .” Patricia whines, tossing her head back. “Work with me here. I’m trying to help.”

“By setting me up with a complete stranger who is afraid to leave his house? Has Francine ever considered that he’s agoraphobic? Maybe he doesn’t want to leave his house—maybe he’s happy?”