That’s the worst part—knowing they’re watching to see how long it takes me to pull myself back together. And waiting to see if, eventually, I…can’t.
I manage it. Eventually. I always do.
“State the rules.” Another male voice I can’t place. I don’t think it’s familiar, but I can’t be sure.
“I’m not to move unless instructed. I don’t speak without direction. I ask for water. I ask for the bathroom.”
“And?”
For a fraction of a second, my mind blanks. My heart stutters, a hard, panicked beat that throws off my breathing. Then the missing piece snaps into place.
“Non-compliance results in correction.”
“Acceptable.”
Hands withdraw with no apology or explanation, and they leave me alone again.
Every nerve feels abraded, like my skin has been turned inside out.
I curl forward as much as the restraints allow and press my fingers together, hard, until I can feel my pulse. This will count against me. I know it. But I do it anyway.
They’re calibrating.
They’re learning how much they can do to me before I can no longer recover.