Page 36 of Here You Are

We made it as far as my entryway before he was pushing down my sweatpants and grabbing a condom from his pocket. This was all very premeditated, and I was powerless to stop it. I wanted it and was wearing rose-colored glasses that were convincing me it would be a positive experience.

He pulled himself out of his pants and lifted me up, wrapping my legs around his waist. He leveraged me against the wall and entered me, foreplay be damned. This was when my brain started working again, and I remembered that he was not good at this. Or at least, we were not good at it together. He gave it his best for about two minutes before he came. He put his back against the wall, which he had been holding me against, and slid down to the floor. I pulled up my pants and slid down to the floor next to him. The weight of disappointment was too heavy for me to keep standing.

Justin was breathing heavily, head tilted back with a goofy smile on his face. Still hot, still not compatible.

“Wow, that was hot. Amazing. So good.” He says, catching his breath, with his head leaned back against the wall.

He looked over at me for my feedback.

“Yeah, wow.”

Justin got a funny look on his face as I must not have been very convincing.

“Are you okay? Did you not finish?”

Every fiber in my being wants to tell him “no.” Why am I protecting his ego? He is not my boyfriend or even my friend. He’s hot, and he’s nice. However, he’s not my guy.

“Um, no, I didn’t.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Is something wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong. I just didn’t finish.”

“Why not?”

The internal groaning I am doing is off the charts. Do I hit him with the truth or let him think it was just an off day? Do I keep it simple or take one for the team and let him know he is not doing enough as a step forward for womankind? You know what? I am a grownup. Justin told me so today. I’m not friggin’ doing this anymore.

“Justin,” I started. “I really don’t want to hurt your feelings, and it’s not even your fault, but I have never had an orgasm while having sex with you.

His jaw dropped, and he started sputtering, “What? You can’t be serious?”

“Dead serious.”

“Am I doing something wrong?”

I took a deep breath. “Not really. I’m just not super likely to have an orgasm during sex unless there has been a lot of hands-on foreplay. I take a lot of warming up and usually am more successful with alternate means of pleasure.”

The look on his face is pure devastation. He looks like I killed his puppy. His package is still hanging out of his pants, and I visualize it shrinking and crawling back into his body due to manly shame.

“I did have an orgasm with you once. In Mexico.”

“You did? What did I do differently that time?”

“I had been sharing a room with my sister and hadn’t been with anyone for a long time. We had that slow-burn thing going. It wouldn’t have taken much. And that was a hands-on experience, which is usually more of a sure thing for me. I probably should have put a stop to it sooner, but you're so hot and smell so good. That felt like enough at the time.”

He looked at me like a sad little boy. “Let me try again; I can do better. I'm not this guy.”

“I’m good. I’m okay DIY-ing this situation. Maybe a tip for your next lover? Go slower; ask questions. Let them tell you or show you what works for them. Everyone is different, and for some people, your method works. It just doesn’t work for me.”

He started to put himself away and stand up. “I’m so sorry, Cassie. I can’t believe how badly I misjudged this. I'm so embarrassed. But thank you for saying something. I’m just going to tuck my tail between my legs and go now.”

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, but I also don’t want to keep doing this. Don’t be embarrassed because then I'll be embarrassed. I want to find a real partner, and I can’t do that when I keep getting distracted by your scent.”

Justin nodded and looked me straight in the eyes. “Thanks for being honest. I really am sorry. I’ll do better the next time, so that this awkward conversation won’t have been for nothing.

I pulled him into a hug and took a deep whiff to hold me over until the next good-smelling guy I encountered, God willing. “You can thank me by not sleeping with me again. I get confused when you show up, but I need to move on. I'm definitely still interested in being your mature, successful, female friend. If you’re interested.”

He grinned at me and replied, “I’m interested. Thanks for offering.”