Page 34 of Here You Are

“And a whopper is?”

“Geez, Cassie. A dick. It was a dick pic.”

“Oh, my God!” I shouted back at her. “Poor…Elma?”

“Rose is the one who got the picture. Elma works at the grocery store. Why would she get the picture?”

“I don’t know why anyone in this story is receiving a dick pic.”

“So, Rose gets the picture. She has no idea what number it came from, and obviously is not going to respond to whatever creep sent her this picture. But then, curiosity got the best of her, and she looked in the last church directory for the number. And guess whose number and probably penis it belongs to? Jay Erickson.”

“Ew. That’s an old wiener to be getting via text.”

Holly planted her hands on her hips and gave a dirty look. “I’ll have you know that they are nearly ten years younger than we are, and I would still be pleased to get a solicited picture of my lover’s genitals. Stop being so ageist.”

Hands up in the air, I replied, “Sorry, continue.”

“Now, Rose has a real pickle on her hands.” We looked at each other and burst into laughter. “She has no idea if he meant to send this to her, but Rose is a happily married woman and not interested in other members’ members, if you know what I mean. So, the next day, she gets another text, and it’s a family picture from Nancy, the church friend of the Ericksons. She didn’t have Nancy’s number in her phone either, but noticed that her number is exactly the same except for the very last digit.”

“So, we think Jay was sending Nancy a dick pic and typed her number wrong?”

“YES! Well, Nancy and Jay must have talked in person and realized that she never received the picture he sent her. The next day, Rose gets another text from Jay, but this time, it’s a family picture. She took a screenshot and sent it to Elma. Elma sent it to me.”

Holly pulls out her phone and opens her gallery. What she shows me is a half-erect old-man penis. It doesn’t have his face in the picture, but it feels legitimate.

“OH, MY GOD, Holly. I didn’t need you to show me the picture. I believed you.”

“This is a you jump, I jump situation, dear. So, Jay knows that he sent the penis photograph to Rose at the church. Rose is fretting and about to switch to that non-denominational church at the edge of town. Her plan was to avoid the Ericksons on Sunday and skip the fellowship afterward. So, of course, the Ericksons can’t have her gossiping around town, especially with her connections at the grocery store, so they confronted her before the service,” Holly explained.

“What did they say? How awkward for Rose.”

“They cornered her in the church office and explained that they have been spending time together and they have an “open friendship.” Jay doesn’t want Rose to think any less of her, and that everyone is aware and okay with it. Sheila says she is fine with it and would appreciate her discretion.”

“So they are swingers? Is that what an ‘open friendship’ is?”

Holly shrugged. “I guess. I’ve been out of the game too long to know what wild behavior people are getting up to these days. I’m no prude in the bedroom, but we do keep it monogamous.”

“So Rose told Elma, and Elma told you? So much for discretion.”

“I know, but Rose was just beside herself. Normally, she would talk with the pastor about her personal struggles because of pastor/congregant confidentiality, but of course, she didn’t want him to know what was going on. Instead, she confided in Elma and swore her to secrecy.”

Seems we have an intense game of telephone with everyone being sworn to secrecy, and then they tell someone else, who swears to keep it a secret. This is how everyone in small towns knows when you shit your pants. This is why I don’t say anything about my personal life—if I had one—to anyone except Cora. She doesn’t care enough about anything I say to pass it on to anyone else, and she also has her own problems to worry about.

Holly continued, “Anyway, Elma told me because I'm a steel trap, and she was feeling quite scandalized and needed to tell someone. I'm only telling you so you know not to go over to the Ericksons’ by yourself because you could get caught up in their sex games.”

“I feel like I should get to tell one person since everyone else got to tell one person. Or more.”

Holly groaned and said, “Fine, you can tell your sister, but I have a reputation to uphold for being good at secrets. Don’t screw me over.”

“You are not good at secrets. You tell me everything your sponsees tell you.”

Holly scoffed. “Yes, but I always make sure to just tell you because you don’t talk to anyone besides Emilia and me. And Emilia doesn’t care about anyone but herself, so she’s not telling anyone. It’s less about how many people you tell, but about the kind of people you tell. I don’t tell Ron shit because he will go out for coffee and tell all the men he meets there. Those old men gossip more than anyone.”

“I find that hard to believe,” I replied.

“Oh, believe you me! I went and sat behind them once so I could listen in, and I learned more than I wanted to know.”

“Didn’t they notice you eavesdropping?”