Page 3 of Here You Are

“Don’t cry. I’m sad this is it, too, but I think it’s for the best, for both of us,” he said as he rubbed his hands down my shoulders. “Who knows, maybe we’ll end up circling back around to each other some day, but for now, it’s not right for us.”

I pulled him in for a hug and said, “I still love you,” as I choked back more tears.

“I love you, too, babe. I’m always here for you if you need me,” he said, giving me a big squeeze.

And then he leaves, and I break down crying.

Chapter 3

April 2009

Happy April Fool’s Day, ha! Try Happy Fool’s Year. I’m miserable. Ever since Ryan and I broke up in January, I have been in the biggest slump. I thought I was in a slump before, but this is the slumpiest slump I’ve ever slumped into. I stand by my decision to end things with Ryan. He’s a good guy, and I did love him, but we outgrew our relationship. It felt so adult of us to have a mutual breakup. Don’t get me wrong, I have gone back and forth several times about whether it was enough.

I’ve been lonely. Lonely enough to try dating websites for the first time. It feels…pathetic. But maybe it’s the way we’ll be meeting everyone in the future? At least I don’t have to deal with going out to a bar and having a creep breathe beer breath on me while slurring pick-up lines that would not work on me in the best of scenarios. I’ve been talking to a few people, but Luke seems to be the person that I’ve gravitated toward most. He is super funny and has a lot of charisma. He looks really cute from his profile picture, in a kind of nerdy way. I love a good conversation starter, and his first message really sucked me in.

Luke: Would you rather be itchy for the rest of your life or sticky for the rest of your life?

Me: Hmmm. I can get a little whiny when I'm itchy, so I guess sticky? You?

Luke: Definitely itchy, think of when you have an itch, and you give it a good scratch, and it feels AMAZING. I would like to feel amazing like that all the time, even if I’m uncomfortable the rest of the time. I guess I like extremes. (In hindsight, this should have been a red flag.) Plus, I really like to read, and I don’t think I could cope with the stickiness when turning each page of a book.

Me: You could get one of those e-readers?

Luke: Ugh! Think of the fingerprints! What do you like to do?

Me: I also really enjoy reading. I like thrillers and ”cringe” romance. I’ve kept a journal of every book I have read since high school. I’m on book number 37 for this year so far.

Luke: Like 37 books in this year? 2009? That’s like three books per week! Do you have time to shower, eat, and sleep? I assume you don’t have a job. ?? Maybe if we decide to take this fun outside of this chat, I can show you my favorite bookstore, and you can teach me how you could possibly find that many books to be interesting.

Me: LOL. I do have a job and do take care of basic hygiene needs! I like to run, kind of, so I listen to audiobooks while I am doing that, which accounts for some of my speed. But otherwise, I like to snuggle up and read, especially in the winter. I don’t watch a lot of TV other than on Thursday nights.

Luke: American Idol?

Me: Duh!

Luke: I think I’m in love.

Me: Wow, online dating is easy! 😂

We agreed to meet in person, which I was excited about, but I was also kind of certain I was going to get murdered. I grew up in a generation that was told not to meet strangers from the internet. We decided to meet at a coffee shop for an afternoon date to keep things low-key. I was a ball of nerves as I was getting ready. I don’t do adventures and excitement. I am an introvert to my core, and my idea of a great night is finding a new TV series that I can watch over and over again. I chose to keep it casual with jeans and a nice top, with some sensible flat shoes. I am not a high-heels kind of girl, so it is best not to set unreasonable standards on the first date. I go for minimal makeup, with just some mascara, blush, and lip gloss. This is as good as it is going to get, and if he doesn’t like it, I will not go into an emotional tailspin. I will not cry my eyes out while eating cupcakes. I will not swear off dating again. Besides, I have to get through this date without getting murdered by a stranger before I can worry about any of these things.

I spot him right when I walk in the door. He is wearing a navy sweater, khaki pants, and nice brown shoes, like he was wearing his Sunday Best. He looks different in person. His glasses seem a little too big for his face, or his eyes are too big for his head. But he has a great smile and good manners as he stands up when I approach the table and hands me some flowers. I can feel myself blushing from the attention.

“Hi, Cassie, it’s so nice to meet you in real life instead of talking online.” He pulls a chair out for me and gestures for me to sit.

I realize I am staring, and I still haven’t said anything. Say words. Any words.

“Nice to meet you, too.” Say some more words, Cassie. “I think I'm going to be terrible at this.”

He let out a loud laugh that was a bit unexpected. “Well, I appreciate your honesty, and I have had the same fears, so let’s see if we can get through this together. Tell me what you want to drink, and I'll go grab it for you.”

“I’ll just have a vanilla latte. Better make it decaf.”

“Ok, be right back.”

I spent some time looking around the coffee shop trying to calm my nerves. He seems like a normal person. It’s broad daylight. So other than being a bumbling idiot, what could possibly go wrong?

He returned with my coffee and sat down. “So, Cassie, tell me something I don’t already know about you.”