Page 1 of Here You Are

Prologue

I’m on the wrong side of my thirties and not where I thought I would be in life. In my visions of the future, I would be married and have a few kids running around. My husband and I would sit on the porch, watching our kids play, cleaning up messes, and exchanging grateful looks for the beautiful life we have built together. Instead, I have a weird-ass old-lady neighbor who is my best friend and no long-term love interest in sight. My kids are non-existent, but I do have a baby cow that lives outside my bedroom window.

I’ve kept journals my entire life as a way to quiet my ruminating thoughts. Since I am lonely, bored, and apparently a glutton for punishment, I decided to go back and read them, hoping to figure out where everything went wrong. What I expect to find is a long string of mediocre lovers with commitment issues. What am I hoping to find? Maybe a pattern I can finally break. Maybe some encouragement to step outside my carefully curated bubble.

Do I want my life to look a little different? Have a little more meaning? Absolutely.

Am I willing to leave the house? No. Or at least, not without compelling evidence that doing so will actually help.

Chapter 1

September 2008

Apparently, I have entered the adult world. Since graduating, I have managed to secure a low-paying job with a moderate amount of excitement in a field that’s somewhat related to my degree. My student loan payments eat up one entire paycheck. I start planning my Friday night on Monday morning, which sounds kind of depressing, but so far, I think it’s fun. My roommate, Linda, has been pestering me to join her pyramid scheme, hawking beauty products to people who are hoping to fix whatever ails them with a miracle lotion. And I'm “this close” to being desperate enough to try it.

Linda approached me last night with an opportunity.

“Just come to a sales meeting with me! You can meet all of the boss bitches and see for yourself how life-changing it is!”

“Why would I want to change my life?” I replied. “I have you, my overbearing family, my overgrown man-child boyfriend. I'm literally living the dream.”

“Whatever. I’ll be back by ten if you want to watch an episode of Desperate Housewives. Do NOT watch it without me!” Linda said as she hurried out the door.

My boyfriend, Ryan—-a college leftover—and I usually hang out on Monday nights. I texted him to see what he wanted to do.

Me: Hey, what's up? What do you want to do tonight?

Ryan: Oh, hey, babe. I’m actually out with the guys from work. $1 tap beers at The Shark Tank tonight.

Me: Ok, I thought Monday nights were kind of locked in for us to spend time together since we are both working full-time now.

Ryan: Sorry, babe, I totally forgot. I’ll definitely come over next Monday!

Me: Next Monday? We aren’t going to see each other the rest of this week?

Ryan: I’ll check in with you tomorrow and see what’s up. Later, babe!

Well, it looks like my night is free to do whatever I want to do—like every night.

I contemplate going for a run, but it’s kind of dreary out, and so is my mood, so that seems like a good enough excuse to skip it. I’m pissed at Ryan for bailing on me, but what would we have done anyway? Usually, he comes over, starts petting my erogenous zones, we have lukewarm sex, he eats all of the food in my fridge, and then he leaves. I know, he sounds like a real bummer of a boyfriend. When I first started dating him, I was so surprised that a guy could be so nice. He opened doors for me, called me pet names, and would surprise me with little gifts all the time. My high school boyfriends were all chumps and not particularly kind, so dating Ryan seemed like an upgrade from them.

I guess I keep thinking maybe there could be more? But what if I don’t find another guy who is so nice to me? I know he doesn’t always prioritize our time together, but he really is a sweet guy. Still, I would like to be with someone who could stir up a little more desire. I’ve read about passionate relationships but have never experienced one, so I’m kind of at a loss for how important that is—also orgasms. I would like to have one that isn’t self-induced. Maybe someday.

Chapter 2

October 2008

Ryan and I went to a mutual friend's wedding last weekend. I was so excited for a fun night out with him and our friends that I took a shower and indulged in every beauty-care ritual imaginable. I got waxed, bought a new perfume, and picked out a dress and a pair of heels. Maybe I was building the evening up to be the event of the century in my mind, but I was so pumped up to escape the mundane, everyday life I’d been stuck in.

The weather had finally cooled off, and it was a beautiful day. Ryan planned to pick me up and drive us to the wedding. When he arrived at my door, I felt a bit let down. He was wearing a pair of jeans, loafers, and a button-down shirt.

“Oh, is that what you’re wearing?” I said, giving him an up-and-down look.

“Yeah, is this ok? I think the men in the wedding party are all wearing jeans, so I figured it would be all right if I did, too.”

“Oh. I was just thinking we would be able to take some nice pictures with us both dressed up.”

“Well, you look great, babe! We can get some pictures later on. We have to get going so we can get good seats,” he says with a wink.