Page 32 of Elijah’s Whim

Chapter Eight

Hannah

Even though I had mentally planned to talk to Elijah more in depth about my past after another week, I wasn’t sure a more perfect setup would ever come along like this again. He was being fairly receptive at the moment, and I knew he wouldn’t be judgmental. I suspected I’d get the same sort of lecture I always got from my parents: It wasn’t my fault. I was a little girl. Things like that.

Well, I might have only been five years old when my view of the world changed forever, but I was old enough to pick up my first burden of guilt that I’d carry—and add to—for the rest of my life.

“I can’t believe I’m going to tell you this story.” I sucked a deep breath in through my nose. “I haven’t told this to anyone other than my therapist. Ever. Jesus, I hope this doesn’t set me back. Maybe I should just not.”

I looked up and found his beautiful eyes focused directly on me. Only me. I had his complete attention, and it felt like I was bathing in golden sunlight that was warm and inviting…and safe. The overall feeling I always got when I looked at Elijah Banks was safety. He had no idea what that did for my mind, body, and soul.

“Listen to me,” Elijah said, brushing some wayward strands of hair away from my face and tucking them behind my ear. “Firstly, go at your own pace. If you feel like sharing something with me tonight, I’m here to listen. If you decide you aren’t ready, I will still be here on the night you are. Okay? Is that a fair plan?”

“Yes. Thank you for understanding.”

“Secondly, I realize you don’t know me from Adam. I’m pushing you because I’m a pushy asshole. It’s the kind of guy I am, and I like you. A lot. I’d like to get to know you better, so I want to know more about you. But I do realize I’m being pushy. Again, you set the pace. But you have to speak up.”

“If you had your way completely, what is your pace when you’re into a woman?” I asked.

Something about Elijah’s laugh before he answered was unsettling. “Let’s just say it’s been a really long time since I’ve wanted to know a woman as something more than just a hookup.”

He just stared at me after baldly admitting that truth, and I was starting to recognize a pattern in his behavior. He knew it was easier to throw people off a conversational trail by making them uncomfortable with one carefully placed comment or fact than it was to have the conversation at all. It was brilliant, really, because it was highly effective. My natural instinct was to change the subject to something altogether different, and as soon as possible, because my gut was telling me this one was very uncomfortable.

So I had to not let him steer the conversation with this particular trick.

“But you just said you wanted to get to know me better.”

“I do. I’m really hoping to break my streak.” He grinned.

Based on his expression, he was being playful. So which did I believe? His words or his demeanor? I couldn’t shake the memory of that redhead coming into and leaving his house the first week I was here. Then there had been the comments from Rio about his hedonistic ways. While I didn’t expect a grown man to be celibate, I did expect him to be monogamous while in a relationship with me.

Whoa. Back up the wagon, sister.

Why would I even be allowing words like relationship and Elijah Banks in the same thought?

“Do you have siblings, Elijah?”

“No. Not that I know of.”

“You don’t think you would know?”

“My father wasn’t a good man. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he made bastard children in addition to all his other transgressions,” Elijah explained with bitterness in his tone.

“Oh.” I really couldn’t think of anything to add to that comment. “I’m sorry I brought up an unpleasant topic. I didn’t know—”

“Of course you didn’t know. You don’t have to apologize. It’s similar to earlier when you had the anxiety attack that was triggered by something I said. I didn’t know it was an issue for you and certainly didn’t do that on purpose. Yes, I still felt bad that you were in distress, but I know I didn’t personally cause it.”

“Have you ever had someone take advantage of that, though?”

“Explain what you mean. I think I know where you’re coming from, but I want to be completely sure before answering.”

It took some time to come up with a scenario that exemplified what I meant. Finally, I remembered a story that would do the trick. I gave Elijah a sideways glance, trying to decide if telling him this would make me look weak or not. It had always been one of my biggest fears.

“When I was in junior high, I had a friend who knew a little bit about my anxiety disorder. We had been friends for a few years, and inevitably, if I’m around a person that long, they will witness an episode.” I waited for Elijah to comment or give some sort of acknowledgment that he was with me so far.

“How old were you when you started having anxiety attacks? Isn’t junior high a little young?” he asked with genuine interest.

“I was six. I think in children, the average age of diagnosis is between four and eight.”