Page 63 of Sweet Thing

CHAPTER 31

BLACKOUT

Simeon took the train home, numbed by the savage way Bastian had seen fit to discard him. It was as if the man who entered the apartment had not known him. Simeon didn’t understand the sudden change from loving boyfriend to the cold, stiff man he’d attempted to hug. Only a couple of hours earlier they’d been exchanging flirty messages, and all seemed fine.

Simeon stood in the packed train carriage, leaning against the closed door between cars, observing travelers. From the pungent scent of alcohol in the air, Simeon knew that the group of friends pressed closest to him, were already preloaded with booze and on their way to a club. It was Friday night after all. Old Simeon stepped out of the darkness and gave a wicked smile, and Sim felt that itch beneath his skin. His anxiety spiraled as the curl of temptation rose in him. Simeon longed to follow the revelers into a dark, seedy basement club to get wasted and dance his blues away. It would be so easy. Just give in! His demon suggested.

Simeon only ever went clubbing with Pieter these days because he knew that Peety would always keep an eye on him, and of course, when he and Pieter gyrated and writhed on a sweaty dance floor, they were outrageous together. It was as close as he would get to having sex with the man!

Simeon scolded himself for thinking about having a drink. That was old Simeon, and new Sim knew alcohol never solved any of his problems. He pushed his demon away, and alighted the train at his stop.

Simeon slunk out of the station with the crowd of revelers; they went left, he turned right and listened to their joyful chatter and laughter echo as he strode into the darkness. Then, the rain began to fall.

The downpour topped off what had been a thoroughly shitty evening. Downcast and drenched, he arrived home to the cold apartment that had once been his sanctuary from the world, to find it lonesome and barren. He hadn’t felt this miserable in so long, and there was nothing to anesthetize the pain. Clean and sober, the feelings cut sharply. The silence in his apartment unnerved him, and the place smelled stagnant because he’d spent more time living at Bastian’s than his own place over the past months. He’d grown so used to that reassuring feeling of Bastian coming home to him. It made a huge difference, even when he had alone time, to know his man was coming home to be with him. But not tonight.

Simeon showered and changed into snuggly lounge wear. He tried to read a book, and then watch TV, but he was far too agitated, and nothing could take his mind off the feeling of foreboding in his gut, and the itch under his skin. That little voice of his demon told him he knew a way to ease the pain. It would be easy, and all of the self-doubt and anxiety would drift away, but Sim pushed the black thoughts down again.

He lost hours in confused questioning of Bastian’s actions. Why was his boyfriend behaving so strangely? What kind of business meeting was he involved in so late on a Friday night? Could Bastian have a date with another man? Bastian had assured Simeon that he was only interested in a monogamous relationship and would not be looking elsewhere, so that couldn’t be what it was.

Simeon picked up his phone and scrolled down his contact list. “Are you okay?” He sent the message to Bastian and then felt foolish. Surely it was Bastian who should have been sending that message to him.

Simeon needed to talk this through with someone. He tried to call Gretchen’s landline but she wasn’t home, and Oli was in transit, traveling back to Berlin from a gig in London. Sim didn’t want to phone Pieter in case the call woke Lukas, so sent an exploratory “Can you talk” text to him, and awaited the reply. He considered calling his training buddy and sponsor Marcus, but in his mind’s eye, he saw the ‘I told you so’ look on Marcus’s face, and recalled his promise to kill Bastian if he ever hurt Simeon again. Simeon was hurting, but Bast did not deserve a visit from Marcus!

Sim’s diagnosis haunted him. He had an addictive personality disorder and issues with instant gratification. He was denied his instant fix of Bastian and was concerned that Bastian had decided he was too much trouble. Simeon wished his brain would shut the fuck up.

Sim curled up on the couch with his phone in his hand. He stared at the device and willed it to ring, willed Pieter to talk him down from the ledge, or for Bastian to call and apologize, then beg him to come back over.

Sim fell into a fitful sleep, clutching his phone.

Bastian and Pieter never called that night.

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