Page 8 of Beautiful Disaster

“I can’t wait to ride you when it warms up,” I tell Beauty.

When I’m done spoiling my babies, I head back into the house. Once I’m stripped out of my warm gear, I pour myself a glass of Sangiovese. It’s a little early to drink, but I need it right now.

I make my way to my office and sit cross-legged on the reclaimed wood floor in front of the cabinet attached to my built-in bookshelves. I take a sip of wine and set the glass aside as my gut clenches and dips. I don’t want to look, but I have to. It’s a compulsion I haven’t felt in a long time.

With a deep breath, I open the cabinet and pull out a small, black cardboard storage box. It’s worn from opening and closing it so much. For the first few years, I obsessed over the contents. Now, I try to avoid it. In fact, I haven’t opened it for nearly a year.

I remove the lid, and the first thing I see is his beautiful face. It’s a fucking gut-punch I hadn’t expected. I knew it would hurt, but not so much that I’d feel nauseous. It’s been over eight years, for fuck’s sake. Deep down, I know why it’s more painful than usual. Jinx brought my old life back to the forefront of my mind and heart like a little thief.

I pull out the picture and run my finger over his face. Pale skin with a splash of freckles. He’s next to me, standing just above my shoulder, his head resting on it. His smile is wide, exposing the cutest dimples you’ve ever seen. It brightens his face like a ray of sunshine. Waves of light brown hair are tucked behind his ears. But it’s his eyes. Wide and blue, just like Jinx’s. They both also have freckles splashed across their noses and cheeks. The two young men are so similar in so many ways.

My beautiful Jude.

I close my watering eyes as the last memories of seeing him alive choke me.

“No! Please! You can’t!” he yells. He’s sobbing and clinging to my arm, digging his fingers into the muscle.

“I’m so sorry, Jude. We can’t anymore.”

Jude drops to his knees. “B-but I love you! I swear, I’ll be good.”

I grip his face, trying to control my own emotions. My eyes fucking sting. It’s killing me that I have to do this, but I don’t have a choice. “This isn’t about being good or bad. We just can’t anymore. They found out. They’re going to sever contact. They’re… family, baby.”

“I’m your family, too!”

The fear is too strong. I love Jude to death, but my parents sacrificed everything they had for me. Everything they did in life since coming to the US was for me. I can’t turn my back on them. They aren’t bad people. They’re just misguided and don’t understand.

They not only found out I was with a man, but also my sexual proclivities. They fucking freaked out. I’d never seen them so damn angry and shocked.

“My parents swore they’d never talk to me again. That I must turn to God to redeem myself.”

He’s sobbing and clinging to me. “But I need you. You’re not only my Daddy, but my lover, my best friend. Besides, you’re not even religious like them.”

Our arguments are circular. We get nowhere, so Jude eventually leaves with an ‘I hate you.’ I’m fucking distraught. His words are a knife to my heart, and I don’t blame him for saying them. Never had I faced these types of crossroads, choosing between the man I love and my family.

But I did make my choice.

The wrong choice.

A wasteful choice.

The choice that changed my life forever.

And his.

I wipe my blurry eyes dry, put the photo back into the box, and pull out the gold chain with the compass pendant. He’d left it behind as he walked out the door. I’d bought it for him for our first anniversary together. A compass so he’d never be lost again. So damn trite and cliché. He deserved fucking better. Someone better than me.

There’s also his favorite cologne. He always wore it. It’s a bit sweet, with notes of amber and cardamom. I pull the cap off and smell it. The scent is faint, but I don’t want to spray it. I don’t want my space to smell like him.

The box holds other trinkets of his, which aren’t much. I shove the damn thing back where it belongs. For good this time.

I made a mistake with Jinx. My life has been full of them. He sucked me in, reminding me of the love I lost. I can’t get him back. Jude is gone forever.

For a second, a flash of redemption filled me, like it was my chance to heal finally. Of a possible second chance. God, and the way he easily submitted to me. We’d be perfect if I weren’t so fucked up.

Jinx also tried to mask his fear with a flash of defiance. My need to fix people sucked me into him. How can I help anyone if I can’t even help myself? I scoff at my arrogance. If I can’t let go of Jude, I need to be alone until I can.

I want what I had so much, but you can’t turn back time. I’ll ruin him if I do, just like I ruined my Jude.