Page 16 of Beautiful Disaster

“Yeah, I already know that.”

Arrogant little shit. Adorable shit. This is going to be fun if Jinx accepts. I’ve already decided that I’m going to go forward with this, if he wants.

“What gave it away, if you don’t mind my asking?”

He shrugs as he’s prone to doing—such a nonchalant reaction for someone who’s far from being nonchalant. “You were talking about discipline and shi—stuff. Being a former sex worker and all, it’s not that hard to figure out, but I wasn’t… entirely sure either.”

“I appreciate your honesty, Jinx. The more honest you are with me, the better it will be for both of us.” I chug back half of my wine. “We talked about ages. I am indeed twenty years older. How do you feel about our age difference?”

“It’s all I’ve ever known until I started dating women after moving here.”

“That’s not consent, Jinx. That’s simply acceptance.”

He rests his elbow on the counter, then places his head on his palm, watching me. “All my instincts and training tell me to talk you into fucking me. It’s hard to break. It was all I knew,” he repeats. “I don’t give a fu—fudge about our age differences.” I inwardly smile at how he tries so hard not to swear, but does so when talking about sex.

“You should.” I stand and pour myself another glass of wine. “It’s a power dynamic where I hold most of it due to my age and experience. While I love to dominate, you will hold most of that power, but people on the outside may not see that. You will always have the right to say no, and I will always obey, no matter what. We can do this, Jinx, but no sex.”

“No deal,” he says entirely too quickly and too calmly. From what I’ve noticed, he’s a reactionary. It’s concerning, and I need to make sure we both know exactly what we’re getting into. While he’s a lot like Jude, my Jude was never sexually assaulted or trafficked. He had a different sort of trauma. “I want what you’ve brought me here to do.”

“Why? Be clear and honest.”

His face hardens, and he looks away, trailing a finger along the dark lines against the white of the quartz. “I… don’t know entirely.”

“I said to be honest. You’re still hiding. This isn’t going to work unless we can be fully transparent with each other.”

“It’s embarrassing…”

Interesting admission.

With a sigh, he drinks down the rest of his wine. I don’t pour him another. “Whatever I’ve been looking for, I haven’t found it. I can’t get close to anyone. Every relationship fails—”

“After what you’ve been—”

“I’m not done.” I wave for him to continue. “Yeah, I’ve been avoiding men. I just can’t see myself with a guy my age. They’re annoying, and I annoy myself enough.” I grin at that, but say nothing. “It’s Phillip. Yeah, he was an older man. Old enough to be my grandfather, probably. And yeah, he loved boys. But he was really nice to me, you know? He never hurt me, not like how Tito did. He taught me adulting shi—stuff. And he…”

“He what?” I ask as he pauses, lost in thought.

“He was affectionate. No one had ever just held me or let me snuggle. I felt… safe.” His blue eyes watch me hard. “And don’t tell me he was manipulating me. Even back then, I wasn’t fucking stupid. Sorry…” he sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “He was lonely. He was kind. It didn’t matter what he was in the end. Not to me, anyway.” Jinx huffs a laugh and pinches his eyes. “I cried the day Tito wouldn’t let me see Phillip again. Cried for a fudging week.”

“He made you feel like a human.”

Jinx’s eyes land on mine, watering and red. “Yeah, exactly. The only people who know the full story are Aleks, my doctor, and now you.”

I want to reach for him and comfort him, but not until we establish our dynamic. My heart aches for him, though. Everything he’s endured. He came out on top, found a life and a unique family, and achieved things that others in his position would’ve ended up on the streets for, or worse. Jinx clearly had some help from Julien, another interesting and curious young man.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “Life should never be this hard.”

“Yeah, well, it is for most people. You either fight it or succumb. Your turn.”

He’s truly intelligent. I wonder where he would be if he’d had a more fortunate life. Despite how smart he is, he’s still fucking young. Maturity doesn’t negate age. Yet, here I am…

“My family comes from Naples. I was born and grew up in New York City, but I came to Colorado for a quieter life. I’ve lived in Durango now for about five years and opened six restaurants across Colorado.”

He rolls his eyes. “Jesus… That’s it? I already got all that online.”

I swallow the growing lump. “There will be more to come later, but you’re the first person I’ve brought to my home to see if we’d be a good match in eight years.”

“You’ve done this before?”