Page 30 of The Sasquatch and the Hairdresser

I frown. “My self-confidence is all fucked up in the relationship department. Hal’s so fucking awesome, and I’m worried I’m not even remotely good enough for him. He deserves someone fucking extraordinary. Me, I’m just a former runaway with no family, no money, and a whole shit ton of fucked-up emotional baggage.”

“You undervalue yourself,” Dr. P says, her voice soft but firm. “You’ve experienced and overcome more hardship than most. You’re a survivor, and you’re stronger than you think.”

I shift uncomfortably under her praise. “I suppose. But let’s be real, what the hell do I have to offer someone like Hal?”

Dr. P leans back in her chair. “What do you think it is that Hal wants and needs in a partner? It might not be what you assume. From what you’ve told me about him, I don’t imagine any of your concerns about yourself are things he’d hold against you.”

Dammit, but she’s right. Hal has never treated me different, even after I let some details about my past slip out.

“I encourage you to really consider what Hal might be looking for in a partner. Maybe even be upfront and ask him.” She smiles. “It sounds like he is incredibly caring and giving, but is anyone doing the same for him?”

I swallow the lump in my throat. I’ve wondered the very same thing.

“You’re right. Hal takes care of everyone, but I haven’t really seen anyone do that for him. Or at least, not like he deserves.” I hesitate. “He… uh… loves to read romance. The guy’s a total romantic, but in an old-school way. A real fucking gentleman, you know? I kinda wanna do something special for him, like in those books, but I don’t know what.”

Dr. P chuckles. “He sounds wonderful. If he is a bit more old-fashioned, he’d almost certainly be fine with taking things slowly. There’s no need to rush into something serious. You can take your time exploring the deeper connection you feel. Go on dates, spend more time together, take it step by step.” She grins. “And if he likes romance novels, why don’t you read a few to come up with some ways to woo him?”

I don’t tell her that I already started reading some of Ryder’s books not too long ago.

“So you think I should give this a try?” I ask, half hesitant and half hopeful.

“Only you can decide that, Skylar. All I suggest is that you try to set aside your fears and think about what you truly want with Hal. Maybe that’s only friendship, or perhaps it could be more. Don’t give Damien the power to sabotage any future relationships if you truly want them. You deserve love, and you have a lot of it to give to someone else too. If and when the time is right for you, you’ll know.”

I worry my bottom lip with my teeth, and my voice comes out small and quiet when I say, “I’m scared about sex.”

Dr. P’s expression sobers. “That’s totally understandable after what you’ve been through.”

I take a shaky breath and decide to share something I’ve started to understand about myself in this whole year of therapy and my recent journaling. “It’s taken me a while, but I’ve realized that in most of my relationships before Damien, sex was transactional. I gave guys what they wanted and they kept a roof over my head and food in my belly. It wasn’t exactly sex work, but in retrospect, it wasn’t all that far off. And sex work isn’t wrong if you choose it, but I was just a dumb, desperate, lonely kid. With Damien, I went along with his desires because he convinced me that sex was how he needed to express his love for me.” I grimace. “Age did not bring wisdom. I was still fuckin’ dumb, I know. Then, after everything with him went from bad to worse, I⁠—”

My voice cuts out as dark memories fill my mind.

Dr. P lets me gather myself and then says, “Many sexual assault survivors find it difficult to enjoy physical intimacy, especially at first. For some, it lasts a lifetime. Trauma affects us in different ways, and there’s nothing wrong with not being ready for that, now or ever.” She tilts her head to the side. “However, from our conversations, I’ve started to wonder if you’re perhaps demisexual or somewhere on the asexual spectrum.”

I blink at her. “What does that mean?”

“Demisexual people rarely experience sexual attraction. Any sort of desire is tied more to the emotional connection they develop with another person. Only in those instances may they want to experience intimacy with another person. And not all intimacy needs to be sexual intercourse. However, someone who is demisexual needs emotional connection to enjoy any type of physical connection.”

Her words hit me hard, and I consider my past relationships with a sinking sensation. “Fuck. I… don’t think I ever felt that way for anyone other than Damien, and then only a little with him. And only at first. But once I realized his so-called love was all bullshit and he was just manipulating me, I never wanted sex with him again. Shit, I didn’t even want him to touch me at all.” I shudder.

“Do you feel sexually attracted to Hal?”

I startle at her question. “I’m… not sure. I’m attracted to his character, and his personality.” My cheeks warm. “I had a dream about kissing him, but it wasn’t a bow-chicka-wow-wow type of situation. Totally PG.”

It had been slow and sensual but not sexual—and I’d loved it. Granted, it was my brain’s fantasy scenario, which is often better than the real thing, but I suspect kissing Hal would be amazing.

Everything with him is.

Fuck. I felt more excitement and pleasure in that dream than I ever felt with Damien, even at the start when I thought I was in love with him. When I look back on those days, considering what Dr. P’s been talking about, I’m forced to face the hard truth that I never actually enjoyed sex with Damien. Or any other man I’d been with. Sure, I’d had some orgasms along the way, although not always. While the release was nice, the whole process of getting there with someone else had been more of an unpleasant but necessary chore.

I rub a hand over my face. Clearly, I need to read up on the whole demisexual and asexual spectrum because I’m now pretty fucking sure I fall somewhere on that continuum. It’s kind of one of the Keanu Reeves whoa moments. An unexpected truth bomb just exploded my brain a little.

On the one hand, there’s a huge wave of relief in knowing that I’m not too fucked up to have a relationship. I’m not wired like most people when it comes to sex, and that’s just who I am. But on the other hand, I’m worried about how Hal will take all of this. I’m gonna have to tell him, but in my experience, most men want sex.

Then again, Hal isn’t most men. I shouldn’t think of him like guys I’ve been with before.

Dr. P interrupts my reverie. “Don’t put pressure on yourself. However, if you decide to pursue something with Hal and he’s willing, then you need to talk about boundaries. He may have some of his own. If the parameters don’t align in a compatible fashion, then maybe friendship is all you’ll share, but that can be a beautiful thing too. In the meantime, I’ll email you some resources to learn more about demisexuality as well as asexuality, and you can see if any of that resonates with you. And of course, we can talk more about it at our next appointment if you’d like.”

“Sounds good. Thanks, Doc.”