Page 109 of Dirty Chorus

“You’re not holding me back from anything. I’m sorry for freaking out on you, and telling you I wanted to just be friends. That’s not what I want. I thought I proved that to you last night. I want to be with you. I fucking adore you.”

“It’s over though...” I say to him and break with each word coming out of my mouth. “I’m really sorry, I can’t do this.”

He grasps my shoulders in a firm grip, shaking me with his eyes widening and glossing over. “Charlie, no, fuck no, I love you.”

“Please stop.” I push my hands into his chest trying to break from his grip, beating him with my fists. “Let me go! You’re just like the rest of them!”

“This isn’t happening! Talk to me!” He shouts, but I find a nearby table with red cups and beer. He loosens his grip enough for me to free myself. I grab one and throw whatever contents there are in his face. The pain within his eyes is enough to give me forty lashes to the back, it’s written all over him.

“I love you, I do.” He uses a hand to wipe his face. “You have to believe me. I didn’t use you,” he says. I cup my fingers together, bringing them to my chest.

“I’m sorry.”

“No... no... we aren’t doing this. I don’t let girls in. I don’t fucking feel shit because everyone does the same goddamn thing to me!” He holds up his palms and steps back, his Converse squeaking against the floor. “I let you in, I fucking broke down those walls for you, you kept begging me because you said you wanted me!”

“You’re gonna tour, and I’m in college. I... I...”

“I fucking made love to you!”

I want to scream, and I’m pleading with God to make it all stop –turn off the lights, let it go dark, make it all go away, but he’s just watching me on his throne letting it happen. “I’m sorry... I have to... I have no choice. You deserve to be happy, and I’m just gonna hold you back.”

“Choice? What is going on?”

I shook my head, knowing he wouldn’t understand. The chilling reality is that Brody isn’t playing games anymore. He said he always wins. And I’m just playing another game like roulette. I keep returning to the same fights, saying the same apologies, letting myself become addicted to the toxicity of it all. Brody’s breaking me. Just like he wanted to from the very beginning. “Talk to me!” Noah demands.

“No!”

Noah’s life is worth more than mine. He deserves much more than what I can offer him. I’m just a stupid girl who vandalized the bathroom. I didn’t mean to, but maybe I did use him to get back at Brody before I found out Noah is the most real human being I’ve ever encountered. Someone who’s hardened their heart to stone and was willing to let it soften for me.

I’ll never forget the way he touched me – the feeling of his calloused hands around my cheeks, his soft lips, the way his tongue molded across mine with a desire girls only dream about. He took his time, going so slow, and letting me find pleasure in the entire thing, asking me what I wanted. But the dark shadow of Brody’s gun is at my head again, the click of it engrained in my memory as he convinced me he would let Noah drop to the floor with one bullet to the head.

“I knew it! I told you from the start you were going to break my heart!” The pain in words mirrors my own. “What the hell was I to you?”

“I dunno,” I whisper and cover my face with both hands. My lungs sizzle up with each gasp I inhale. “Please forgive me.”

“This isn’t what I want!”

I spin around to make a desperate escape. I burst out the door, and the last thing I see is Noah screaming and shouting as he knocks over bottles of alcohol. His cries fill the air as Omen and his bandmates rush to his side.

Chapter 51

Noah

Dry wall crunches under my converse as Omen grabs me by the shoulders, dragging me to the couch. “Fucking A!” Omen shouts. “Pull yourself together!” I shove him off, chest heaving, my breath ragged as I collapse to the couch.

I don’t even remember grabbing the bottle of Jack Daniels, but it's shattered by the door. My knuckles bleed and throb, and it looks like I left a decent size hole in the wall. There’s an even bigger ache beneath everything in my chest. I thought I was broken before, but she added another layer of pain that I’m going to have to bury deep and cover up with a smile.

I shield my eyes from all three of them, swallowing down the weakness lodged in my throat. “I don’t want to fucking go out there.”

This was the last thing I thought would happen tonight.

“We can’t deal with this right now,” Vince chimes in. “That’s the biggest crowd we’ve ever had, and we are up next. Metal Blade is here.”

“And you can’t just run away every time shit gets tough on you,” Tony adds. I should've ran away from her, not let her sink beneath my skin.

“Yeah you would fucking know,” I mutter.

“You can throw your tantrum when the show is over, but right now we need to stay focused.” I shouldn’t be this upset, she deserves better than me, I can’t give her the world and I wish I could. “We worked hard on that song for you all day dude, we need to go out there and do this.”