Page 108 of Dirty Chorus

He leans closer to me, his voice dropping to a whisper, “I guess I’ll have to find him after the show.”

The weight of his words tumbles over me like a cave collapsing. I’m suffocating, both from his firm grip around my neck and the nightmare he tossed me into.

“I’ll leave him alone, but here’s the deal, baby.” He releases the grip around my neck with a shove. My skull hits the brick wall and my eyes go dark for several seconds, as I gasp for air, clutching my lungs and coughing.

“See, you’re going to dump him, and we are going into that pit where I kiss all of you in front of him while he plays. Now go...” He licks his chapped lips, darting his eyes to the door. I crawl over boxes, and the cardboard rips and tears as I fall over several, clambering into a run, reaching for the cold metal doorknob and hightailing it out of the closet.

This is my life, the part of a song that repeats again and again. At some point I figured the bad things would stop repeating – I thought ending a toxic relationship would stop this loop, but he keeps coming back and I can’t escape. I can’t breathe as I walk down the long hallway and back into the crowded venue. People swarm into the VIP lounge buying drinks and snacks. Then, there's the main stage. Merchandise booths are set up in every corner possible. Finally, I see the red sign hung up on the other side of the stage directing VIP Backstage Passholders.

Clutching my shirt, I climb down the steep steps leading me to the backstage entrance where a group of people line up, waving their tickets in the security guards’ faces. I slip underneath the velvet black rope, cutting several girls in line.

“Hey! Wait your turn!” One of them plants hands on her hips, and her hair is a dingy green from the worn off blue dye that probably looked decent at some point.

“The line starts back there.”

“Ladies.” The security guard holds up his hands. “Only people on the list can get back here, I told ya’ll this.” A hefty security guard crosses his arms, spreading his legs out wide. “You aren’t on the list.”

“I should be on...on the list.” My voice falters as I say it. My mouth is dry and sour as I look at his podium with a clipboard and highlighter.

“What’s your name?” He grabs it, licking his fingers and starts to flip through the pages.

“Charlie Henderson, he might have put me down as Trouble.”

The security guard scoffs as the papers slap around. “He did put you down as Trouble.”

Of course he did, my chin trembles as he unhooks the chain blocking the backstage door. “Go on in.” He lets me mosey past him as the girls behind me start badgering him. My heart breaks, being torn to pieces, going through a meat shredder as we speak. When I walk in, there are several doors with band names printed out and taped on each one. When I find Wolves in Sheep Skin, Noah’s face is flashing in my head. The sound of his voice telling me he loved me back. I don’t want to do this, but I twist the doorknob, stepping in.

The air is stale, riddled with nervous energy as Noah paces back and forth along a red carpet. His band looks defeated as they lounge on the couch talking to him. My heart lurches at the sight of him, and a wave of tears comes flooding back over my raw cheeks.

“N-Noah...” I suck in a deep breath.

His dark-brown eyes gaze up and meet mine, and the color rushes back into his face as he races over towards me. My entire being tells me to let myself crumble into his chest, tell him I’m being threatened, but I take a step back, shaking my head at him.

He catches my movement and tilts his head, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Charlie...” Noah says with brows furrowing.

I whisper, “I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean? Where have you been? I’ve been calling you non-stop. I’ve been worried sick about you.”

“I lied...”

“What?” He blinks at me, his eyes studying trying to figure out everything racing through my head, but I can’t even keep up with my thoughts. “You lied? About what?”

“I don’t...” I hitch a sob, my chin trembling. “I... I...” I can’t even face him saying it. I turn my body around, with my hands raking through my hair. Shallow breaths escape my mouth as I shudder out another sob. “I...don’t... I don’t love you.”

He’s grasping my shoulder making me do a one-eighty to face him. “You what?” He shakes his head. “You lied?” He’s searching every part of me as if he already knows the words that threaten to leave my mouth. “Charlie, I didn’t lie.” The words are like shards of glass, each one stabbing me.

“I’m sorry... I...I...we shouldn’t be together,” I say.

“No, no, you don’t mean that.”

“You said it yourself though.” I wipe tears away with the bottom of my palms. “You aren’t into serious relationships.”

“I’m willing to change that for you.”

“I'm just going to hold you back... you’re gonna go on tour and become a famous rockstar. You were right.”