Page 45 of Fractured Destiny

I close my eyes. Ashamed.

“We need to talk about what this is between us first,” he continues. “Our son is in the next room. He has to come first.”

I bury my face in Lake’s hoodie. His hand smooths my hair.

“When we do this,” Lake’s voice is careful, “it goes somewhere. Do you hear me? It means something. For him and for us. Levi can’t have his mom and dad fucking on a couch trying to figure it out later. You and I are coparenting great right now. If we’re having sex then we damn well will be in a committed relationship. I’m crazy about you, Noa. I’d like to take things to the next level.”

I can’t look at him. He must think the worst of me, and he’d be right.

“Do you want to do this for real with me?” He tentatively kisses the top of my head.

I nod because, I love this man. I want the three of us to be a family.

Lake murmurs against my hair, “Say it out loud, baby.”

“Yes,” I whisper into his hoodie. “Yes.”

His arm tightens around me. We sit for a long minute holding each other.

Lake whispers, “On the couch. What happened? You disappeared right before my eyes.”

I tense. He noticed the switch at the same time I felt it. As much as I want this man, he deserves to know the truth so he can make his choice to be with me freely.

I pull back from his chest. Take a deep breath and wipe my face with the heels of my hands. “My past…it’s not easy to talk about.”

“Okay…” He searches my eyes.

“I don’t know how.” I squeeze my eyes shut.

He takes my hand. “Take your time, I’m not going anywhere.”

The pool house is quiet. My counselor told me in rehab, shame is a place I’ve embraced in order to hide from rejection. She made me promise not to settle for anyone who couldn’t accept all of me. I guess now’s the time to find out if Lake’s the guy who can handle it.

“My past is shocking, Lake. The drugs aren’t the worst part.” I bring my gaze to his. “I’m fucked up when it comes to sex.”

His jaw sets, but he doesn’t interrupt.

“It started in boarding school when I was a shy, obedient girl. An older boy asked me out, he filmed himself taking my virginity for the whole school to see. By my senior year of college, I was a sex addict with a drug habit who thought it was industrious to be a high-priced whore…Neeley…” I wince, but manage to continue, “The night I met you, when I relapsed, was the last time I had sex. As Neeley. The next morning, my parents’ intervention saved my life. Having Levi saved my soul. The truth is, I’ve put my body through things I have a hard time comprehending, let alone admitting out loud. Especially to somebody I love. I can’t help but think you deserve more.”

Lake takes in my confession with surprising calm, maybe because he’s endured a different kind of trauma and come out to the other side. “No, you deserve more. It sounds like you’ve been through hell.”

“I don’t know how to reconcile how I feel about you with what I did tonight. I want to believe Neeley is who I used to be.” I make sure to keep eye contact though I want to run and hide. “Performative. Disassociated. Focused on pleasure, not emotions. I don’t know how to be intimate as Noa, which terrifies me.”

My confession sits in the air between us. Lake studies me a long time. A tear spills from his eye. He slides his hand around the back of my neck. Warm. Solid. Pulls my forehead against his.

“Baby.” His voice is broken. “I understand. More than you know. Until I met Diego and then Ty, I couldn’t trust anyone not to hurt me. Healing doesn’t stop, it’s ongoing. Let’s find Noa together. I’ve got you.”

I lean in so my forehead rests against his. Soak this beautiful man in.

Truthfully, I don’t know what happens next. I’m scared. He could wake up tomorrow and have a hundred questions I don’t know how to answer. He might second-guess whether he wants a future with me.

Lake leans back. “I’m gonna go home. Levi’s fine. Tomorrow, if you think it’s okay, let’s stick to the plan.”

We walk to the door where he turns and places his palm against my cheek. Holds it there. His thumb moves against my cheek before he slips out. I watch him cross the deck to the pathway and disappear around the pool.

On my way to bed, I check on Levi. Watch his chest rise and fall. Place my hand on his belly and feel him breathe. Satisfied, I go through my nightly routine and climb into bed.

My phone buzzes on the nightstand.