Page 114 of Choosing Us

I don't really know what normalcy looks like these days. I know what routine feels like, what a typical day should look like, but normal is a foreign and obscure concept.

Especially when it’s two thirty in the morning and the same nightmare overtakes my subconscious. I don’t make it in time, and Ryan…

Well, it’s really bad, and I’m incredibly thankful that’s not how things actually happened.

Ryan is so patient with me. He was the one kidnapped and held hostage, but he seems to be doing better than me with all of it. I know mental health is not a comparison or a race, but I feel guilty.

And I'm struggling with this.

I’m thrilled that he seems to be doing so well. It's not perfect, but he's so strong and steady.

“I knew you would come for me.” He breaks through my thoughts as he wraps an arm around me and pulls me closer so I can snuggle into his hold, careful not to put any pressure on his healing ribs. “I didn't know for sure if it would be you, or Liam, or maybe Walker. But I knew you'd have a hand in it. And I knew if it was possible at all, it would be you. In the flesh. Leading the way.”

“How … how did you know? How were you so sure that I was going to be able to find you?”

“Easy. I was sure about you. I was sure that you will always do everything possible for the people you love.” I hum in agreement. “The number of people you consider yours is an important and elite group. But once someone is in your circle, you would go to the ends of the earth for them.”

I nod. “That's true. I would. I mean, I would do a lot of things for the general public, but for the people I love? I don't think there's anything I wouldn't do.”

“I know. And I trusted in that fact. I trusted in the smartest person I've ever met would find me.”

“Are you talking about me or your brother?” I grin up at him as he tickles my side.

“Ha. I know Liam's a lot of things, but to be fair, I can't always differentiate between genius spy guy and my brother the man. I don't really see him like the world does, I guess, I just see Liam.”

I trace mindless patterns on his chest as I ponder that. “That's interesting. I wonder if that's why you've never focused—or made me feel like you’ve focused—on my intelligence.”

He leans back to look down and meets my gaze. “What do you mean?”

“You never said that you admired my intelligence, or made any comment about it, really. You’ve never tried to use it to benefit you or say how helpful it was to have a doctor in your life. You don’t make my brain feel like a novelty. You have never quizzed me about things that the common person wouldn't know just to test my intelligence.”

He growls at that. “Why the fuck would I ever test your intelligence?”

“I don't know. A novelty? A game?”

“Harlow, there's absolutely nothing about you or us that is a game. Not in how I see you, not in how I love you, not in the role that you play in my life. Unless, of course, you're playing an actual board game with my family, and then I expect you to use every possible talent in your arsenal to kick everyone else's ass.”

I giggle at that. “Fair. But you make me feel seen. As a person. As a woman. It's like you’re aware of my brain, but you see my soul. My brain or job aren’t the draw.”

“Your brain is sexy and amazing and incredible and all of those things, sure. But it … it pales in comparison to the beauty of your heart and your soul. I love your brain. Just like I love the rest of you.”

“Yeah. I know. I love you too.”

“And I'm right here.” He squeezes me tightly for emphasis.

“I'm sorry. I interrupted your sleep again.”

“I don't care, Lo. I would care if you woke up from a nightmare, and for some reason, I didn't, and I found out after the fact that you sat here. I would hate to know that you worried, or processed, or whatever, and I didn't get the chance to be here with you.”

“Well, you'd be sleeping, so you're technically with me.”

“Yeah, technically. But I wouldn't be with you. On your team. By your side.”

“Oh, I like you, Mr. Callahan.”

“Yeah? That's good, Dr. Lane. By the way, when we get married, if you want to keep your maiden name, it’s up to you. I'm not one of those guys that really cares. Whatever you want to do.”

“Hmm. Good redirect to a different topic. You know? I think I'll probably keep it professionally, if anything, just to not have to go through all the licensing, credentials, and everything else. But socially. Socially, I think I’ll take it.”