Page 97 of Wildflowers & Whiskey

“Hungover.” I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “Angry. Like my head and my life are both about to explode.”

“All from yesterday?”

I nod.

“Tell me what happened?”

And so, I do.

I tell her about the rodeo, about seeing Jae again after months, and the high that came with it. About Maeve getting up on that stage and the way I convinced myself that things had changed between us, that the way she was looking at me meant something. How that convinced me to take the mic and join her in a song about looking like you love someone. Only to be told I had read it all wrong. I managed to recall what Maeve said, word for word, because I have committed them to memory.

I tell her what I said back, heart sinking as I do.

Dr. Palmer writes in her notebook and listens, the way she always does, with the occasional nod that means I'm here, keep going.

“And how did you feel when you were saying those things to Maeve?” she asks.

“Like I meant every word.” I look at my hands, really thinking about it all. “But also, like someone else was saying them.”

She nods slowly. “Both at the same time.”

“Yeah.”

“Colt.” She sets her pen down, which she doesn't do often mid-session. “When Maeve first arrived, in those very early days, how did you feel about her?”

“You already know all this.”

“Humour me”

I think about it. “Well, from the moment I did her interview, I knew I was going to like her. But when she got here, and I started to get to know her, she was—” I stop. “She was easy to be around. She understood me without me having to explain too much. She just knew.”

The pen is picked up again; more notes being written. More notes being written. I know she usually takes the odd notes when I am here, but this seems more than usual. Why does today feel different?

“And when she told you the first time that she didn't see you as anything romantically?”

Why is she making me think about this all again? My eyes find the plant in the corner and stay there as I say. “Like the floor dropped from under me, making me unable to breathe or think about anything else but not being loved back.”

“And last night?”

“I was angry, felt like she set me up to fall again.”

Dr. Palmer lets the silence settle between us for a moment. My head ruminates on everything. Then she says, “I want to try something, if that’s ok?” I agree with a slight nod. “I'm going to describe something, and I'd like you to just listen. You don't have to respond straight away.”

I nod.

“Sometimes people experience emotions at a much higher intensity than those around them. Not because something is wrong with them, but because their nervous system is wired to feel things more acutely. The highs are higher. The lows are lower. And when something threatens a connection they value, the response can feel overwhelming, like a switch is flipped.” She pauses. “Does that sound familiar at all?”

I don't say anything. But I begin to nervously pick at my sleeve.

“When that switch flips,” she continues carefully, “a person can see someone they care about in a completely different light. Not because that person changed, but because the pain is so loud it rewrites the story in the brain. One moment someone feels like everything. The next, like the source of all the hurt.” She holds my gaze. “We call that splitting.”

“Splitting…” I repeat in a whisper to myself. “Is that what happened last night?”

The question wasn’t for her ears, but she responds anyway. “I think so.”

She puts her notebook on the side table, both hands free now, leaning forward slightly. Not into my space, but closer. The way she does when she wants to make sure she can read me for what comes next.

“There is something else that goes hand in hand with what I've described, and I want to explore that with you. If you can, answer as honestly as you can manage. No judgement, just me trying to understand something a little more.” She folds her hands in her lap now; her eyes land on me gently in a way that quietly says she is listening and that it’s ok all at the same time. “How much of how you've been feeling about yourself these past few months has been tied to how Maeve responds to you on any given day?”