Page 107 of Derivation

Sarai looked up at her and asked, “What do you mean?”

“I wondered what might have happened had I told you how I felt, or even just kissed you to show you, and how you might have reacted now that I know you felt something, too. I can’t ever know what would’ve really happened, obviously, but I pictured us sharing a kiss outside of one of those bars we went to on the way back to your dorm and then us trying to squeeze into that very small bed you had.” Gabi chuckled. “I also pictured what could’ve happened the following morning and when I left on the train. I even thought about getting out of going home and staying with you there until you had to leave. I was traveling, but I could’ve paused my trip until you’d gone home. Then, I thought about how I would’ve had to say goodbye to you at the airport, how hard that would’ve been, and how difficult a long-distance relationship, given our circumstances, seemed.”

“And?” she asked as Gabi gave her another soft push.

“And I think we would’ve broken up.”

“What? You do?” Sarai asked, stopping the swing with her feet and turning to Gabi a little. “That was not the ending I expected from your cute little story there, Gabs.”

Gabi smiled at her and said, “Because it would’ve been too hard. You were right, Sarai. Now, lift your feet up, damn it.”

Sarai did, and Gabi pushed her once more.

“I think it would’ve been too difficult for us. I was only eighteen, and I had a year of travel ahead of me before I was going to start a really intense program in school. Then, my dad died, and I felt like I had to flee Paris. Luckily, I’d gotten into MIT when I’d initially applied to colleges, and they accepted me for my sophomore year, but even if you and I had made it that far, things had gotten harder for me in school, my mom needed me more then, too, and you were just starting this business with your friends and about to move here. You’ve told me how busy you were back then and how work has cost you relationships. I would’ve loved to be able to say that we could’ve made it, and that we’d still be together today, but I don’t think that would’ve been reality.”

“So, we would’ve ended up as what, friends who see each other once in a blue moon and only really interact on social media?”

“No,” Gabi replied and gave her another push. “I don’t think we would’ve talked at all.”

“Okay…” Sarai said, stopping the swing with her feet again. “Babe, this is a date. You’re supposed to be wooing me. I’m supposed to be wooing you. It’s a whole big thing.”

Gabi laughed, gripped the chains, and hovered over her.

“I was thinking about whether or not I would’ve wanted to go back and have us get together then, Sarai. My answer is no because I wouldn’t have wanted this to end. I really don’t want this to end, and I think it would have had we gotten together eleven years ago. It still might now, but we’re ready for it this time. I know we’ve had a few little bumps in the way recently, but it feels like they were supposed to happen. You and I both really want this, so we want to protect it and make sure we’re going as slowly as we need to; that we’re ready for every big step and even the small ones. As much as we might have liked each other back then, we were not ready for what this could be and what I think it might be turning into now.”

Sarai reached for Gabi’s hips then, pulled her closer to herself, pressed her head to Gabi’s chest, and wrapped her arms around Gabi’s body.

“I’m saying that I wanted this then, but it’s better that we have it now,” Gabi added.

Sarai could only nod as she breathed Gabi in, smelling the laundry detergent that they all shared on her sweater mixed with a flowery fragrance that was all Gabi’s body wash and lotion. She knew that because she’d seen Gabi’s shower supplies every time she took a shower herself, and she’d opened one of the bottles once just to see what it smelled like. When she had, she’d been instantly warmed, and not by the water in the shower but from the recognition that Gabi smelled like that.

“I want it now, too,” she replied and looked up at Gabi, who let go of the chains and moved her hands to Sarai’s neck before she slid them up to cup her face.

“I want to look at those pictures with you, the ones on our phones, and I want to talk about how much fun we had that one weekend we met because our families thought you could show me around town, having no idea that we’d end up here now, but I also want to talk about the future, Sarai; not just the past.”

“We just talked about kids, like, twenty minutes ago,” she teased. “Not enough for you?”

Gabi chuckled and said, “Yes, but I want to talk about the other stuff, too.”

“What other stuff?”

“Well, all the important things couples need to figure out, but I also want to live in the present with you. I don’t want us to get stuck in the past; what was and what might have been. I want to push you on swings, stare at trees with you while I hold your hand, have the best burritos I’ve ever had while sitting at a picnic table, and talk about the stuff we want for our lives and maybe our life together.” Gabi swiped her thumb over Sarai’s cheek. “I know that might scare you a little, but I’ve decided to risk telling you because that’s how I feel.”

Sarai stood then, and it had caused Gabi’s hands to slip back down to her neck, so Gabi wrapped them around Sarai’s shoulders instead, and Sarai placed her own on Gabi’s waist, pulling her in closer until her hands connected around Gabi’s lower back.

“I want to get married one day,” she said.

Gabi’s eyes went wide, which made Sarai smile big.

“Not tomorrow. And I’m not saying that it has to be you. In general, I’d like to get married.”

“Oh,” Gabi replied, letting out a breath that Sarai felt.

“You wanted to talk about the big stuff, right?”

Gabi nodded.

“Well, that’s pretty big, so I thought you should know. I’d like to move out of the house I share with my friends and into a place that I share with the woman I love. It’s going to be hard for me because I’ve lived with them in this house for so long, so I’ll need someone who can be as patient as Stella has been with Violet because I’ll probably need to stop by a few times a week for a while.”