Page 105 of Sin

“No, it’s fine.”

It’s not fine. Nothing about this is fine. She picks up her wine and turns away, but the damage is already done. I see it in the set of her shoulders. In the quiet way she puts distance between us before I can.

I should feel relieved. I don’t. I feel sick. Because when she touched me, I didn’t feel married.

I felt unfaithful, and not to Jenna.

To Laurel.

The realization nearly knocks the air out of me.

I am standing in my kitchen with my wife and backing away from her feels like loyalty to another woman. There is no version of me that survives that thought cleanly.

“I’m going upstairs,” I say.

Jenna doesn’t turn around. “Okay.”

I leave her there and go to the guest room that’s become my room over time. I sit on the edge of the bed and drag both hands down my face. My phone is in my pocket, and I pull it out before I can stop myself.

Laurel’s name is already open in my messages.

Laurel Cross

I miss you.

I stare at them. Delete them. Type again.

Are you home?

I delete those too, because there’s nothing I can say that does not make this worse.

A soft knock sounds at the bedroom door. Jenna steps in, arms folded around herself. She looks smaller than she did downstairs.

“I’m not going to beg you to want me,” she says.

I stand. “Jenna.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “I don’t know what happened, Mason. I don’t know if it’s work, or us, or… what.”

Her eyes search mine, but I give her nothing. I hate myself for how good I’ve become at that. She waits for me to say something to reassure her, but I don’t. Jenna’s face crumples for half a second before she pulls it back together.

“Whatever. You know where to find me when you decide to talk.”

Then she turns and walks away and I let her. Because I am a coward. Because I am cruel. Because the worst part of me is not the part that cheated. It’s the part that stands in my bedroom after hurting my wife and still aches for Laurel.

My phone buzzes in my hand.

Laurel Cross

Just made it home. Looking forward to our meeting tomorrow.

I type back before I can think better of it.

Me, too. In fact, I was thinking we should attend that conference in Seattle this weekend.

Seattle? Sounds fun. I’ll make the reservations.

Good. We’ll leave after work tomorrow.