Page 89 of I’d Be Honored

September 13, 2008

My Darling Hayley,

Another year has flown by, and what a year it has been. I find myself thinking a lot recently about how quickly everything has changed. It feels like only yesterday that you were learning to walk, and now you’ve just begun your sophomore year of high school. I look at you and see a young woman where my little girl used to be. I can still picture you, your tiny hands clenched tight around the handle of that little red wagon, pushing it as if the whole world depended on you.

Time, as they say, is a thief. I can’t breathe from the pride and the terror of watching you grow up.

You finished your freshman year with straight A’s in every class, a surprise to none of us. But high school wasn’t always kind to you. The drama with your friends, the whispers in the hallways, the bullying from all those idiots who couldn’t accept you for being true to yourself—it’s all made your life so much heavier than it should be.

In spite of it all, you let me in. You trusted me with your truth, and you let me help you carry it. That means more to me than you will ever know. I am so proud of you, Hayley. Not just for the person you are, but for the way you navigate this cruel world with tenacity. You don’t let anyone dim your fire, and it’s one of the things I admire most about you.

You had your first kiss, after coming out under a year ago, a memory that I hope you will cherish forever, even if it didn’t end the way you had dreamed. But you liked Sally, and I’m so proud of you for going after what you wanted. She was your first girlfriend, and watching all the joy and excitement that first love brought you was everything to me.

It shatters my heart to see how much you’ve been hurting. I wish I could take the pain away from you. But my darling girl, this is not the end. It is only the beginning. One day, you will find the person who makes you feel the way I do about your dad, and you won’t even remember the heartbreak before her. With her by your side, you’ll feel like you can take on the world. You’ll be able to crumble, knowing she will always be there to pick up the pieces. She will celebrate your wins, hold you during your losses, and send butterflies soaring through your chest every time you hear her voice. You'll know when you’ve found her. She will be your constant, and in her arms, you will feel safe.

The love you share will be eternal, endless, and know no bounds. It’ll stretch far beyond anything you can imagine right now. She’ll be worth every tear along the way, and life will feel like it finally makes sense. The pain you’re feeling now is simply the price of admission, darling. But I promise you will claw your way through it every time, just like you are now. You are much stronger than you realize.

When the days feel dark, just remember to keep moving. Trust that the light will return. Risking your heart for love is worth it every single time. I have always believed that it’s better to face the sting of goodbye than to live a life entirely untouched by love.

Do you remember what Paul Varjak tells Holly Golightly?

“You’re afraid to stick out your chin and say, ‘Okay, life’s a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness.’”

So don’t be afraid. Fall in love. Belong to each other. Because you, Hayley, have a right to real happiness as much as anyone else in this world. I love you so much, my beautiful daughter. You will forever be my greatest treasure.

All my love,

Mom

The floodgates burst open, and Hayley fought for every breath. She curled into a ball on the couch, clutching her mother’s last letter to her chest. Every word felt like she was crying out to Hayley from beyond the grave, begging her to see the truth.

Hayley had found her person, but she’d pushed her away, ruining the only real chance at happiness she had ever had. She realized with an undeniable, brutal clarity—Maddie was everything her mother had said a soulmate would be.

There had been so many blinding neon signs pointing toward Maddie, the exact woman her mom had always known she would find. Hayley had willfully ignored every one of them, choosing now to see the truths shining in front of her face. The combination of losing her mom, hurting Maddie, and tearing herself apart in the process was simply too much for her to bear all at once.

She let herself sob from the crushing pressure of it all until her mom’s words suddenly broke through—that she had always seen a fire in Hayley, a stubborn spark that fought for what she wanted. She believed that strength would rise to the surface when Hayley needed it most.

Hayley vaulted herself off the couch, wiping away the lingering moisture from her swollen eyes and red nose.

Her apartment door slammed shut behind her with a jarring finality as she sprinted down the sterile hallway. The outside world shocked her senses, but she didn’t slow when the cold, gloomy morning air slammed into her lungs. She could smell rain gathering in the clouds above, but there was no time for a cab and even less patience for waiting. She hit the sidewalk at a near run, her worn sneakers pounding a furious rhythm as she tore down the street, focusing only on the few blocks that separated her from what she needed to fix.

Hayley feverishly rang the doorbell when she arrived a few minutes later, looking like she had been dragged through hell.

The door swung open to reveal Gemma, groggy and disoriented from what appeared to have been a deep sleep. The moment she fully registered Hayley, shaking in a T-shirt and sweatpants on her doorstep, her annoyance instantly died.

“Hay, what’s going on? Are you okay?”

Hayley brushed past her. “No. No, I am not.”

“You’re shivering.” Gemma grabbed a blanket from the living room and threw it over Hayley’s shoulders. “Sit down. Let me make you some coffee.”

“I fucked up so bad, Gem,” Hayley rushed, unable to calm down. “How could I have done this?” She had barely touched the kitchen chair for two seconds before she was back up and pacing the tile.

“What’s happening?” Caitlin shuffled in, rubbing her eyes.

Gemma placed a mug of coffee onto the island in front of Hayley. “Tell us what’s going on.”

Hayley unfolded the letter she had been gripping in her hand and slapped it down onto the counter. “Read this.”