Page 102 of About to Fall

I stood outside Nicky's apartment for a full minute like an idiot. I had picked up dinner from his favorite Thai restaurant on Bloor and now our food was getting cold. I didn't know the protocol for I'm sorry we had our first real fight and you shut me out for two days and I don't know if we're okay.

My tongue pushed at my lip ring. A nervous habit I'd never managed to break.

Just knock, you coward.

The door opened before I could. He must have heard me in the hallway, which meant he'd been listening for me, which meant—

He was on me as soon as I set the bags on the counter. Kissed me like he was starved for it—hungry and desperate, his hands gripping the front of my jacket like he was anchoring himself.

When he pulled back, his eyes were red rimmed and brimming.

“I’m sorry, Adrian,” he said. “For shutting you out. You didn’t deserve that.”

“Nicky—”

“Let me say this.” He took a breath. “When Renaud pulls me aside and asks those questions—about my focus, my readiness—I go back to being thirteen years old and terrified of disappointing him. He knows exactly how to ask a question that’s really a warning and I just—” His voice tightened. “I fold. Every time. I tell him whatever he wants to hear and walk out feeling anxious about all the ways I’m failing. And instead of telling you that, I took it out on you.”

“Yeah, you did.”

“I’m sorry. And I understand if this is too intense. We’re together all day at the rink. Then every night. That’s a lot.”

“Is that what you want? Space?”

“No.” Fast enough that I believed him. “But I wanted to give you the option.”

“Nicky. Stop.” I put my hands on his shoulders. “I don’t want space. I want you to tell me when your uncle is fucking with your head so I can be pissed off on your behalf instead of wondering what I did wrong.”

“You thought you did something wrong?”

“You went cold and left without looking at me. So yeah.”

Something crumbled in his expression. “It was never about you.”

“I know that now.”

He was quiet for a moment. Then he said something I didn’t expect.

“I think we should see someone. Like a therapist. Together.”

“Shit, am I screwing it up that badly?”

“Seeing a couples therapist doesn’t mean our relationship is screwed up. They can help us figure out how to—” He gestured vaguely between us. “—do this. Without destroying each other in the process.”

I caught myself tonguing my lip ring again. Stopped. Started again immediately because I didn’t know how to respond.

“I’ve never been in an out-in-the-open relationship, Adrian. With Théo it was always hidden because of Renaud. And Julien was—” He shook his head. “I don’t know how to do this properly. I don’t know how to fight without shutting down. I don’t know how to let someone in without panicking when it gets too close. Dr. Priya is amazing but I think we need someone who’s just ours.”

The word ours did something to my chest I wasn’t prepared for.

“I don’t know what I’m doing either,” I said. And it was the most honest thing I’d said in weeks. “Cam’s been trying to get me into therapy for years. Says I have—” I made air quotes—”avoidant attachment patterns.”

“Cam said that?”

“His dad put him in therapy when he was six. The man reads self-help books on tour buses and tries to armchair diagnose me every chance he gets.” I shrugged. “My parents don't really believe in mental health. Which probably explains the—” I motioned vaguely at myself. “—everything.”

Nicky’s brows raised hopefully. “So is that a yes?”

I thought about my mother choosing money over love. My father choosing status over presence. Cam’s dad spending a lifetime carrying a torch for someone who left. Every model I’d ever had for relationships telling me the same thing—people leave, people disappoint, keep your distance and you can’t get hurt.