Page 105 of The Hitman’s Final Job

“I’m sorry. I never wanted things to be this way,” he says. “I never—” He searches for the words. “I never intended to act on my feelings toward you. That was never the plan. The plan was to go to Pine Ridge, find out who wanted you dead, keep you safe, and leave without … without complicating things.”

His eyes meet mine briefly before they focus on the small artificial candle between us on the table.

“And then I got to Pine Ridge, and Tess and Clayton were so welcoming. Everyone was, and it was the first time in my life, apart from Rowan, that I felt like people didn’t want anything from me in exchange for something. They were just there, making me part of their community as if I had a right to be there. I couldn’t … I couldn’t help indulging in the kind of life I’ve only ever dreamed of. And I know that’s not an excuse. I know that doesn’t explain the lying, and I know it doesn’t fix any of it … ”

I want to reach out to him, but this moment feels so fleeting I truly believe that if I so much as breathe too loudly I’ll scare him off.

“It kills me,” he continues, and his voice is lower now, “that I still don’t know exactly who placed the contract. Vertex Holdings, yes, but the specific person? I don’t know. I failed at the thing I went to Pine Ridge for.” He looks at his hands. “But I know the threat is gone and your research is safe … And I promise I’ll stay out of your way. I’m not going to— I’m not going to make this harder than it already is.”

His eyes rise to meet mine again.

“But I need you to know,” he says, “that I’m not giving up Rowan. I know it might be selfish. But Rowan has been the light in my life since the day he decided we were going to be friends and didn’t give me a choice about it. He’s the only person who has ever— He doesn’t take any shit from me, and he loves me anyway. Unconditionally. Without an agenda. And I know that what happened between us makes everything complicated, and I know that you might not want me near your family. and I understand that, I do, but I can’t—” His voice has gone rough at the edges. “I can’t give him up. I won’t.”

This man, with the frazzled, weary edges of someone who hasn’t slept for weeks, sat down across from me and apologized first and is asking me not to take away the one person who has always shown up for him.

I think about the beds he tended in my garden and the coffeepot already full in the morning.

I think about our morning conversations on the porch and the valley in the early light and that first kiss in my kitchen.

Silas just looks at me.

It’s the full gaze. The one with nothing held back.

Like he’s saying goodbye.

He stands up.

“Silas—”

He’s already moving.

The server appears beside me as if he’s been waiting for this moment to pounce.

“Can I get you anything?” he asks.

I stand up, kicking my chair back. “I’m sorry … I have to …”

The mostly residential area was quiet when I arrived at the restaurant to meet Rowan, but it is busier now.

I look around for Silas, but it’s like he’s a ghost. Still, I keep searching the passersby. It takes me a while to see him. He’s about thirty feet ahead by the crosswalk. I pick up the pace to catch up to him.

“Silas!” I call.

He turns around, and for a moment I think he might bolt, so I don’t give him a chance. When I get within touching distance, I take his hands in mine and pull them up to my chest. “You’re wrong.”

He glances at the people waiting to cross the road before his eyes land on mine. “About what?”

“Rowan isn’t the only one.”

His eyebrows lower with confusion.

“The only one what?” he asks with care.

“Who loves you without conditions.”

The street is busy around us: people talking to each other as they wait to cross the road, the chirp of the traffic light when it finally turns green.

But I keep my eyes fixed on his, hoping he can see in them something that validates my words.