Page 95 of Instigator

This is going to change things. How can it not?

I don’t think I’m weak. I don’t think I’m lesser than. And I trust her. I’m crazy about her. But that doesn’t mean she wants to be with someone as not okay as I am.

“Aidan, you’re scaring me,” she whispers. “Is it something I did? Did you change your mind about us?”

That startles me out of my haze. “What? No. Of course not.”

“Then talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in your head.”

And just like that, I open my mouth, and for the first time, I find myself sharing my truth:

“I’m autistic.”

The words rush from me, and I hold my breath, waiting for her to turn away in disgust.

Ceci cocks her head. “Okay?”

Her simple question makes my heart stutter. Okay? That’s all she has to say?

Where’s the revulsion? The pity? The you’re so broken, there’s no salvaging this?

“I’ve never told anyone before. I—I don’t even know for real. There’s not an official diagnosis. But I… I’m autistic.”

A wave of relief passes through me, a rip current threatening to carry me away. I’ve finally vocalized it.

“Aidan,” she murmurs, reaching for my hand. “Do you think this changes anything for me?”

“It might,” I croak.

“It doesn’t. Not one bit.” She cards her fingers through my hair, and I lean into her touch, seeking her comfort. “So you’re a little neurospicy. So am I.”

Lifting my head, I stare at her. “You are?”

“Raging ADHD here,” she says with a laugh. “I didn’t even know until about three years ago. Just raw-dogged it my entire life, self-medicating with sugar and caffeine. Then I found out, and it was life-changing.”

“I had no clue.”

“It never came up. But I’m not ashamed. It’s just a fact of my life.” She scoots closer, burrowing into me, and I wrap my arm around her. “So tell me how being autistic works for you.”

I blink a few times. “Huh?”

“It manifests differently for everyone. Sven doesn’t like to be touched. But you don’t seem to have an issue with that.”

“I have sensory issues. With fabrics especially, and also when there are a lot of people around, it’s easy to get overstimulated. Like earlier, when I kind of shut down.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “It also means I don’t always pick up on social situations. Like at the bar.”

“Or when I was trying to seduce you.” She grins, her eyes bright.

“Yeah. That too.” I choke out a laugh. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice.”

“I’m not.” She touches her lips to mine, featherlight. “You just made me work harder for it. I like a challenge.”

My knee bounces, my body racked with shivers from the pent-up anxiety and adrenaline burning off my system. I’m cold, so fucking cold, and sweaty at the same time, and⁠—

“Aidan.” Ceci’s hand lands on my knee. “It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

I gulp in air. I want to believe her. I do. And yet…

“Let’s get ready for bed,” she murmurs. “Maybe you can hold me for a little?”