Page 91 of Instigator

He’s seen her through flares over the years, but he wasn’t there when things were bad. Before the diagnosis. Before the meds that gave her back her life. I never want her to go through that again. But he doesn’t understand. Not really.

“She’s in a different place now, and you have to let her be there. I’m here for her, and we’re building a life together.” Ryan glances at me, then back to the ice. “And hey, now you have Ceci to focus some of your attention on.”

“I do. She’s great,” I say after a too-long pause.

Ryan makes a noise of acknowledgment.

I feel tethered in a way I didn’t before. I never realized how off-balance I felt until I had someone anchoring me. Centering me.

Hopefully, I can return the favor for her—if she wants it. I won’t smother her like I did Hailey. I hear him loud and clear, and now I’m learning that lesson the hard way. It’s not that she doesn’t want me around; she needs space, and I haven’t given it to her.

“I’m happy you’re happy,” Ryan says as we circle around the goal net. “I’m glad you found someone who treats you the way you deserve.”

“She was worth waiting for.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

He waited for Hailey for over ten years. He knew she was the one.

I don’t know if Ceci is the one for me. That’s way too much pressure to put on such a fledgling relationship. What I do know is the way she makes me feel is unlike I’ve felt with anyone else. That I feel safe with her. That I’m able to be vulnerable, and she won’t use it against me or make fun of me.

I trust her completely, 100 percent. And that’s as terrifying as it is reassuring.

The buzzer sounds to end warm-ups, and we troop back to the dressing room for our final pregame prep. The coaching staff gives us a motivational speech, I sprout off some bullshit about the team being able to handle anything, and we get in the zone.

I love that first moment of clarity, when everything fades away and the only thing on my mind is the task ahead. As much as it’s become work, as tiring as the schedule is and how grueling being captain can be, at the end of the day, I still love playing hockey. It’s my safe place. My happy place.

Sure, sometimes I wish I could be a baseball player. Or play video games all day.

But faced with the option of giving up hockey? No way. It’s not even a question. Hockey is my one great love. Baseball is my dirty mistress.

From the first face-off, it’s a dirty, sweaty, high-intensity game. Carolina gives as good as it gets, and we’re fairly evenly matched, so it’s as frustrating as it is invigorating. It’s no fun if they make it easy on us. The harder we work, the more rewarding the win is.

Because we’re going to win. We will. We have to. My girl is in the stands, wearing my number. I’ve got to win this one for her.

thirty-five

. . .

Ceci

I thought I liked hockey. I’ve always considered myself a fan. It doesn’t matter what sport it is; I love them all equally.

Turns out, watching my boyfriend play hockey is hot as hell. I’m totally here for this.

Aidan is on the bench while the fourth line plays a bruising game. My eyes immediately seek him out, the gold C on his jersey making it easy. Matching the one on my chest.

He gave me his jersey. A real, official, game-worn jersey from the Winter Classic two seasons ago. Not a fan replica. My inner sports nut is dying.

The other wives and partners have welcomed me with open arms. They’ve always let me hang out with them, but it’s different now. I’m one of them. We’re all wearing our man’s name and number, and I finally fit in—at least on paper.

I still can’t believe Aidan and I are officially together, a couple, a unit, and not simply two singular people revolving around each other like planets orbiting but never colliding.

Before our first attempt at a setup at the gala, I knew him vaguely as Hailey’s brother. Then he became captain, and I became aware of him, but I never had the opportunity to know him. And then he turned into Wish.

Now he’s Aidan. My boyfriend. How the hell did that happen?

Hailey sits beside me, clutching the armrest as Ryan and his D-partner Sinclair take the ice. She gets so into the game, leaning forward when something exciting happens, tilting to the side when they pass, sitting back with bated breath when they take a shot on goal. She’s so expressive, it’s almost as much fun to watch her as the game itself.