Page 62 of Game Misconduct

I’m overcome by this overwhelming sense of comfort. Of unconditional love and acceptance. Seb never blinked at Luke’s and my friendship; all four Henry brothers welcomed me into their family with open arms. And I couldn’t be more thankful.

After dinner, Seb and Audrey head back to their place—they have a newborn at home—and Luke and I hit a bar downtown that I know a few of the Grizzlies like.

Not the hipster bar Ceci and I have frequented. This one is a smoky, sultry speakeasy with live jazz music and a chill vibe. It’s the type of place where Luke and I can disappear into the night, nobody hassling us.

We sit at a table for two, catching up and drinking the night away until we’re stumbling out of there in the early hours of the morning, hanging off each other. Luke sees me off in my rideshare, waving in the rearview mirror until he’s a tiny speck of dust.

I’m tipsy, but still functional, a hazy fogginess clouding the corners of my mind. It dulls some of the ever-present inner monologue running through my head. I feel surprisingly empty, though. Not in a physical sense. More in a soul-crushing, full-body numbness sort of way.

My sheets still smell of Nick’s woodsy cologne. The pillow has lost its indent from his head, and the place where he slept is cold, but his presence in my tiny apartment can’t be denied. He left his mark. I couldn’t erase him even if I wanted to.

He left before breakfast. The oven timer went off, he pulled the food out, and then he bounced. He didn’t want to stay, and I didn’t know how to ask him to. Not after baring my soul.

I was fully clothed, but I was stripped bare. There’s no way to recover from that.

Now, my buzz is wearing off, my head’s getting tender, and there’s nobody there to take care of me. To make sure I take my meds, to put me to bed, to hold me all night long.

I’ve wanted someone to come home to. I’ve wanted a partner. But I never once considered that maybe… I want him.

I shouldn’t. Our history being what it is, I don’t know how it would ever work. If it would ever work. But the more I think about it, the more I want to try.

What if I put myself out there and he turns me down? What if he’s only being nice to me for Elsy’s sake, and not for my own? I’ve laid it all out on the line—what if it turns him off? If he runs away screaming?

He didn’t that day. But that doesn’t mean he won’t. I must exude repellent from my pores, because nobody ever sticks around.

Sure, I’ve got Ceci. Wyatt and Elsy. Vanessa and Audrey. Robby and Amelia and Riley. Luke and Seb.

But my parents? They only have criticism. The men I’ve dated? They only wanted one thing.

And it was never me. Not the real me. A fictionalized, idealized version of the perfect daughter or perfect girlfriend, sure. The kind of impossible standards I tried to live up to for way too many years, always failing, never happy.

I’m done with that. Done with them.