Page 36 of Ruck Me Harder

“I woke up that morning, used and hungover, and decided to make some changes in my life. I haven’t had a drink since.” My eyes are on my coffee cup. I can’t bring myself to look at him, see the pity or derision on his face. I don’t think I’d be able to survive it if he looked at me with disgust.

Tony reaches across the table and tips my chin up.

“That’s something to be proud of,” he says quietly.

“Really?” My voice comes out in a croak.

“I’m proud of you,” he says seriously.

My heart skips a beat.

“Too many people have a problem and don’t let themselves address it. You did. You decided enough was enough and tackled it head on. That’s admirable.” His eyes hold mine. “I’m proud of you.”

I didn’t know how much I needed to hear that. Not necessarily from him, but in general. I don’t talk about the why I stopped drinking with most people. It’s personal, intertwined with our history. I don’t particularly enjoy being flayed alive with all my nerve endings exposed.

But with him… being vulnerable doesn’t feel like the worst thing in the world.

“I’ve tried to go to meetings, but they don’t—I don’t fit in there,” I admit. “They all talk about a higher power and for me… it didn’t click.”

“So you’ve just been white-knuckling it ever since?” His mouth turns up in a half-smile.

“Something like that.” I don’t consider myself an addict or an alcoholic. I was perfectly capable of stopping. “I didn’t like the person I became when I drank.”

Tony reaches out and knocks his cup of tea against my coffee cup. “I like the person you are now.”

All the air whooshes out of me. “You do?”

He nods, and though his smile is casual, there’s a tension in his shoulders that makes me curious as to its cause.

“I didn’t like that you hated me. When Cari joined the Revolution, I hoped our paths would cross again.”

My face falls at the mention of his sister. “They did.”

He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing in the thick column of his throat. “Do you still hate me?”

Not as much as I hate myself.

“The animosity has decreased lately.” I offer him an over-the-top cheesy smile.

Tony barks out a laugh. “Good. I’m glad.”

“I went out with Al last night.” I say the words in a rush. “Well, not out, out, we were at the same place at the same time and we hung out.”

His eyebrows go up. “I know.”

“He told you?” My stomach sinks. Here I was hoping to navigate this sibling thing easily…

“I saw the photos Cari posted online,” he says, glancing away.

“Oh.”

“Do you… are you and him…” He trails off. “If you wanted to date him, I’d understand. He’s a catch.”

Shaking my head, I wait for him to meet my eyes. “There’s nothing there.”

“Because you were supposed to go out with him,” Tony adds quickly. “So I’d get it if⁠—”

“There’s only one Gonzales sibling that interests me,” I tell him. My heart pounds rapid-fire.