Page 28 of Home for the Holidays

Rachel

Hattie gives me a knowing look when I enter the office we share. “Have a good night?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You have pash rash.”

“What?”

She smirks, pointing at my neck. “Beard burn.” Why does she have to sound so damn smug?

Fuck. I clap a hand over my neck. Jake likes to sleep with his face tucked into my neck, like I’m his teddy bear.

“So I guess things are getting better in the post-Erik world.”

“I mean… I’m doing okay,” I admit.

I don’t think about him nearly as often as I used to. I don’t want to think about him at all.

Six and a half years, down the drain. When I think about how much mental energy I invested into the relationship, I get angry. He strung me along with no intention of ever taking things further. And because I was young and naive, I thought that’s what relationships were supposed to be about—pushing each other, wanting the next step.

And at the same time… my biological clock is ticking. Every woman in my family has had trouble conceiving on top of early menopause. My time for a biological child without intervention is slowly dwindling. And I know there are other ways to have a baby, there’s medical treatments I can try and surrogacy and adoption is always an option… but that’s not what I want.

Before I have a baby, though, I want to be married. I want the commitment of a lifetime together. Divorces happen, a ring doesn’t mean it is going to last forever, but I want to go into it with the intention of forever.

And to get to the point where I can even think about tying the knot with someone, I have to date them first. And to date them, I should probably be fully over my ex first.

“I brought you something,” Hattie says.

My eyebrows go up.

She reaches into her desk, pulling out a Dunkin’ bag.

Inside are two perfectly beautiful donuts. One is chocolate cream pie, I can tell. It’s my favorite. The other is chocolate glazed with colorful sprinkles.

“What’s the occasion?” I ask as I pull out the donuts.

I shouldn’t. I want to, but I shouldn’t.

And then I think of the way Jake looked at my naked body. He likes my curves and rolls. He likes my body.

I take a bite of the donut. It’s delicious.

“Felt bad you didn’t get one last week at the meeting,” Hattie says. “You deserve all the things.”

Aww. I give her a hug and she startles before she hugs me back.

We settle at our desks and get some work done. She’s teaching in the morning and in the lab in the afternoon, whereas I have grading to do this morning and then teaching this afternoon. I actually can’t remember the last time I got uninterrupted time in the lab. My classes haven’t changed all semester, but Erik didn’t like when I brought marking home to do, so I’d inevitably use up my designated lab time with grading. My grad student TA does a lot of it, but it seems like every time I’m caught up, there’s still more that I have to do.

There’s a knock on the door around four o’clock. My last class of the day has just wrapped up and I’m trying to get organized for the days ahead.

Jake is in the doorway, wearing another Grizzlies jacket under his open coat.

“What are you doing here?” I ask. Okay, demand.

His eyebrows go up. “Should I not be here?”

“I—” I take a breath. “I’m happy to see you, but I wasn’t expecting you.”