Page 156 of Just Wait

“I won’t ever get bored of you,” I tell her, my brow furrowing. “But yeah, maybe I’ve felt a little left out.” I shrug. “Sometimes I overreact.”

Other times, my feelings get hurt for no reason.

It’s actually really fucking disruptive to have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Even when I don’t think there’s any reason someone should be upset with me, a simple change in their tone can send me into a spiral.

It’s not bad if I don’t care what that person thinks about me, but if it’s someone I care about, it can send me into a meltdown.

If they weren’t upset with me before I started spiraling, they will be by the end.

I know how to destroy a good thing like no one else.

“You can come in to sleep with me at any time,” Lumen says, pushing up on her knees until our faces are close together. Her bluish-gray eyes stay locked on mine. “I’ve never split my time between three people before. If I’m not equally⁠—”

“No, you’re doing great,” I say, cutting her off.

She carefully danced around calling what we’re doing dating.

It gets under my skin a little, even if I understand she’s still healing from her last relationship.

It’s just frustrating because I’ve never wanted to be all in with someone, and I’m not known for being patient.

It doesn’t help that she’s had sex with K and Riser.

No matter how many times I remind myself it isn’t a race, it doesn’t help. Not even replaying the things we’ve done gets through to my head.

It’s not that I’m feeling rejected.

At least, not exactly.

It’s more like I know how good they’ll be for her. They’re both way better equipped at being a boyfriend than I am.

When I slept with her the other night, I only seemed to annoy her, rather than setting her at ease. She didn’t want me to make her come on the bus, but then she had shower sex with Riser the day after.

Logically, I can understand they’re two different environments. She probably didn’t want to risk destroying the sheets after she and Ry went to the laundromat to clean them.

And this is why I’m a fuckup.

She apologized for being snappy that night, and at first, I was totally fine.

She wasn’t feeling well, so there’s no reason to feel rejected.

I also understand she’s not obligated to want to fuck me.

Knowing all of that, why have I spent the last day and a half obsessing about it?

I like her so much.

I don’t want to be left behind.

Lumen’s chest presses against mine as she gets close to my ear.

“We haven’t seen the hotel yet to know the bed situation, but how about we share tonight?” she asks, keeping her voice low enough that the others won’t be able to listen in. “I’m always cranky on the first day of my period, but that’s finally over.” She chuckles, making her warm breath fan down my neck. “Okay, sometimes I’m moody for the first few days…”

“It’s okay.” I run my hand up and down her back. “I bet it sucks. I shouldn’t have let it get to me.”

“Aww, Mal. I’m sorry.” She pulls back until our eyes meet. “Next time, be honest if I upset you.”

“I wasn’t upset,” I say, frowning. “Can we just start this conversation over?”