Page 78 of Walk the Line

I still remember when she told me, face to face at the family home I dreaded going back to, his words riddled with a tone so matter-of-fact, it became almost humorous. The audacity felt staggering each second I spent there, my mind constantly wandering over to the idea of just making it all stop. The pain. The memories. The audacity. That’s when I decided to get out of there for good, a notion I had when I left for university the first time. But that time, there was even more damage that had been done, and I told myself that was the last time she would ever have the opportunity to push me away.

The phone calls aren’t ideal, but at least I go into them bracing myself for the worst possible conversation.

I let train of thought end just in time for Julius’s question. “Is that why you find my mum to not be as annoying as she clearly is?”

“Hey, stop being a hater,” I say, playfully hitting him on his arm, and my heart instantly skips a beat at the smile that develops on his face. It’s playful and genuine, a reminder of how comfortable we feel about each other, because I know he sees a similar smile on my face. Continuing with my response, I explain, “But in all seriousness, your mum is closer to what I think a mum should be, and even though I haven’t spoken to her much, it’s quite easy for me to tell that she’s not…cold. And that instantly makes me feel at ease. My mum always makes me feel like I’m the problem, even with something as tough as a professor trying to touch me. I didn’t even want to admit this to myself, but it’s why I struggled so much to open up about it. I felt a lot of shame around it, and I didn’t want anyone to judge me for my instant reaction to something so scary. My mum brings all my anxieties about that out. I can’t be around someone like that.”

“You’re not the problem. She’s the problem and none of it is your fault. He shouldn’t have touched you, end of fucking story,” he says, his tone leaving no room for disagreement. “It pisses me off you have a parent like that, it’s not what a mum should be like. You deserve better than that, and I’m so glad you know it.”

“Thank you, and I do know it. It just feels kind of lonely sometimes, especially with that knowledge. My dad’s not around. I’m an only child and it’s a very small family in general. I think that’s why I’ve found it hard to fully let go. But then there’s also the fact that I can’t fully let go because after she made it all “go away,” which included removing all traces of me from the university website apart from the one that says I was Captain, my mum threatened that she would undo it all if I don’t take her call every two weeks, and talk to her for at least five minutes. But it wouldn’t be the truth that she would be putting out there, it would be the version where I pushed a professor because of my grades and got expelled because of it. I take the calls because I have to, but it genuinely ruins my day each time.”

“We need to get you out of that, then.”

“We can’t, I don’t think.”

“We’ll figure something out. No way she’s going to have such an impact on your day twice a month. No way. He lets out a large sigh, his tense jaw getting more prominent by the second. She’s doing that to retain control over you, and it’s fucked. How can you move forward and away from her if she keeps pulling you back into keeping up communication with her?”

“Ugh,” I groan loudly, his question not being anything I haven’t asked myself before, but sounding so much different hearing it from someone I care about. It’s enough for me to come to as admission. “It’s too much to think about right now. But thank you. And thank you for calling me brave earlier, by the way. For everything you said about me, really.”

He cups my face into his hand, an earnest look in his eyes as he watches me. “What’s wrong with me, right? Saying such nice things.”

“I’ve been asking that since the day I met you.”

“The day we met. That was funny, and I never thought we would progress to where we are now, but it feels right, better than anything else I’ve done,” he says, and I let my head fall back on his chest as I take in his soothing words. “I look at you and I see my team mate, in every way that matters, both outside of Hockey and inside of Hockey. I just…care about you so much, Kaylah, and I hate hearing about all this shit that you’ve been through. I hate that you had to deal with your mental health issues alone, but I’m so glad that you’re still here. I want to support you in any way that I can.”

“Well, there is one thing I think you should know.”

“What is it?”

“I’m going to speak to someone about the antidepressants I’ve been on. I don’t think they’ve been as effective as they can be, so I’m going to request another one and hopefully that will work. It’s possible, though, that the new one could affect my libido. I’m also looking into medication for my anxiety as well, so the same could apply. Just…something I think is worth you knowing. Even without the antidepressants…my libido could fluctuate, or other side effects could arise, and there may be times when sex just isn’t…an option for me.”

It definitely wasn’t an option in those first few months of university last year, and then after both diagnoses.

He squeezes my hand. “You’re Kaylah Bamiah and that’s the only thing that matters. You. So many things can change, but you at your core never will and that’s what I’m here for. Nothing’s pushing me away from you, especially not your libido. I get why you told me, but that honestly doesn’t change anything for me because I just want you to get the treatment that’s right for you. I want to help you out in any way that I can, so please just tell me what else I can do.”

“You’re doing it already. But I think the most important thing you could have done is see me as a person who deserves to have their words respected, especially when they surround consent. I never felt unsafe with you, which unfortunately isn’t as common as it should be for many people.”

“It should be the bare minimum. I’m always going to prioritise your safety, and make you feel as happy and comfortable as possible.”

If people could see the smile on my face right now, they would think they’re looking at my doppelgänger. But there’s nothing fake about the weight in my body that gets lighter and lighter every time I’m with this man. “Who knew you had this sweet side to you?” I say.

“Not me, that’s for sure,” he laughs. “But I feel like we’re constantly learning things about ourselves and each other through this, which isn’t anything groundbreaking, but it just adds to why it always feels like we’re so connected.”

My mind jumps back to all our early interactions, how we haven’t been able to get away from each other from the very beginning . “I’ve loved learning so much about both of us,” I say. “And I love even more that there’s still so much more of it to come.”

“It’s funny that you call this the beginning when we’ve done this whole thing backwards,” be begins. “We moved in together, then we had sex, then we got into a relationship.”

“Woah, steady on there, buddy.” I rear my head back from his chest and look him directly in the eye. “We might live together, understand each other so well, have non stop great sex and care about each other, but a relationship is where I draw the line.”

He laughs. “Yeah, you’re right. A relationship is moving way too fast. What was I thinking? You actually have to like me for that.”

“Exactly.”

“And we both know you only like me when I’m on my knees begging.”

“Exactly.”

I barely have time to process his next move until I realise he’s in my favourite position of him. His face harbours nothing but sincerity as he clasps his hands together, and says, “Kaylah Bamiah, will you please be my girlfriend?”