Page 29 of Walk the Line

“We need to come together as a team,” is the first thing Julius says to me when we step outside.

He could at least let the hug that we were just forced to have marinate. Isn’t that enough for now?

“Maybe you should start seeing me as a team member first, then,” I say in response.

“There’s no way this is about that pass earlier.”

“Okay. Cool,” I say and walk away from him. I need some air and this is the opposite of that.

I’m turning the corner and then turning a few more corners just in case he’s trying to catch up to me.

When I get home thirty minutes later, I head straight for the stairs but my movements coincide with the front door opening and closing. Before I know it, that voice is sounding out with a, “Hey.”

And that’s the problem, the fact that we can’t get away from each other when we desperately need to.

I’m pretty sure I heard Nathan and Daniel talking about going to get some food after Practice, so I guess it won’t be disturbing too many people that this guy is following his introductory word with, “Don’t act like you can’t hear me,” as I continue making my way up the stairs.

“I can’t hear you,” I simply say.

“Do you want to sort this shit out or not?”

If there was any question that was going to make me turn around so fast and I do a move that feels like I’m somersaulting down the stairs, it would be that. Before I know it, I’m standing in front of him, my eyes locked into his piercing set that I’m sure are intimidating to many, but not to me. Never to me.

“You’re gonna put that on me now? When this is all your doing in the first place?”

“Where do you think we’re gonna get if you’re just blaming me? There’s two of us in this.”

I scoff. “This is why I left the conversation, because of your lack of ability to self reflect.”

“We weren’t aligned with each other from the very first moment we met, how is that my fault?”

My frustration has been steadily rising from the moment I stepped foot into Practice, and it’s finally reached its peak. I take a step towards him and say, “No, we weren’t aligned, which is exactly what the whole team has picked up on. If they look at two people who are supposed to be in charge and they clearly don’t like each other, they’re not gonna choose to follow both of them, they’re gonna choose to follow one of them,” I explain, maintaining eye contact with him so he doesn’t look away. “I’m the one who’s new. I’m the one who no one knows anything about and who probably looks like an imposter to these people who have already been here for a year. I’m the one who clearly has to prove herself to everyone on the ice even though my talent should speak for itself. So of course they’re gonna follow your lead and treat me like I’m invisible when I’m the clear option for a pass. Why wouldn’t they when you’ve been doing the exact same thing on the ice yourself?” A look of puzzlement crosses his face and that sets me off even more. “This is what I mean about self awareness. Maybe pay attention to other people and you’ll realise that no one respects me on the ice, not even you. Which is hilarious because I’m supposed to be the Centre. Not to mention the fact that if it’s between a woman and a man, most people are instinctively gonna see the man as the leader, even when they’ve explicitly been told it’s both of them. “But I guess no one really cares because I’m the stranger who doesn’t show emotion so I guess that must mean I don’t have them.” Letting out a huff I’m not ready to stop, so I continue with, “I shouldn’t have to tell you this. You are a grown man. I shouldn’t have to lay it all out on the table for you that playing Hockey now feels like a humiliation ritual for me when it used to feel like home.” The truth hits me like a stick. “But maybe you like to hear that I’m struggling because it makes you feel like you’re the better captain. “Whatever,” I say as a final word before I take myself up the stairs, all the way this time, and into my room.

It’s only a few seconds of staring at the ceiling after I drop onto my bed that I hear a knock on the door.

I need a moment, to so I take that moment, my eyes focused above as I tap my fingers against my thigh.

It’s kind of hard to be fully in the moment when there’s an incessant knocking on the door, though.

I sit up eventually, and let out a bland, “Yes,” which is followed by a sigh on the other side of the door.

Julius sighs so much I could recognise it anywhere.

“I need to speak to you,” he says.

“I think we’re done speaking, no?”

“There’s one thing I haven’t said.”

My silence is met with another sigh.

“I’m sorry,” I eventually hear.

At least, I think I hear it but I don’t waste time lunging for the door just to be sure.

When I swing it open, I have to admit, he does have somewhat of a sheepish look on his face.

“I’m sorry,” he says again.