Page 39 of Falling Again

Be ready. Thirteen Minutes!

See you guys soon! Ojai here we come!!

I can sense her on the other side of the bathroom door. I hear her lean against the door and slide down to the floor. I sit on the ground on the other side.

“Chloe, I’m sorry I said that. It was a mean joke,” I say, hoping she hears me. I don’t know why I don’t open the door and tell her this. After she doesn’t respond, I add, “Still friends?”

“Yes, of course,” I hear her say. I turn around to open the door. She turns and looks up at me, a pensive look across her face.

“Talk to me, Chlo,” I say, sitting across from her, taking her hands in mine.

She releases a breath and gives me a soft smile. “I’m sorry I chased you.”

“It was deserved.” I teasingly nudge her shoulder. “I won’t joke about that again. I promise.”

With her mouth in a tight line, she nods. I know she’s holding back. There’s a catalog of experiences she has I have no knowledge about. Things that she’s gone through that I need to be gentle with. I hope I didn’t betray her trust in my dumb joke, but I promise myself to earn every ounce of respect going forward and to use this trip as a way to understand her more. Because I can’t imagine how someone who shines so bright could have such a dark past.

FIFTEEN

CHLOE

THEN

“It’s the first day of the rest of our lives,” I tell Anni on the morning of our first day of classes at UC San Diego. College is the moment I’ve been waiting for since I was twelve. I’d lie awake in bed, staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling, wishing for the day I could leave my hometown.

Annika rolls her eyes at me as she gets dressed in her usual garb of denim shorts, a band tee, and her white Converse. Her black hair is straightened, and she’s pulled it back with a thin red headband, matching the red logo on her shirt. I smooth down my new scarlet dress. I fell in love with how the straps are tied around my shoulders and the ends cascade down my back. I feel like I should be frolicking through a meadow, but the pavement of our college campus will have to do.

“You say that every day we start a new school year.”

“Yeah, but it’s actually true this time. We are in a new city—a big city!”

“I don’t know if I’d consider San Diego a big city.”

“Compared to Ojai, it’s massive,” I retort.

“I guess that is true.”

We leave our dorm suite and head to our first class. Annika and I have the same major, Marketing, so most of our classes are the same, though there are a few that we had to take separately, like our electives. I’m taking a fine art elective, and she’s trying a photography course. As we walk along the paved sidewalks through campus, I feel invincible. The sun is bright, and it constantly recharges my internal batteries.

We’ve lived here barely two weeks, and I never want to leave. It feels like the place I’m meant to be. I look around at the other students walking past. No one knows me or my past. No one knows me as the girl whose dad left her, or the freshman girl who slept with the soccer captain, or the girl who lives with her best friend’s family. The people here know nothing about me. I could reinvent myself if I wanted to. Maybe I’ll change my name.

“What name do I look like?” I ask Anni suddenly.

“Hmm, maybe an Emma. Or an Audrey,” Annika says without missing a beat.

“Oh, Audrey, that sounds so sophisticated.”

“Honestly, you fit the name Chloe well. It is simple, effortless, and pretty,” Anni says, as if she didn’t just give me a wonderful compliment.

“I like my name too. It’s the only thing my parents got right,” I say, trying not to be solemn. Today is an exciting day, after all.

“Do you know why they named you Chloe?” she asks, and I can honestly say I do not. I have no clue why they named me Chloe. I assumed my mom found the name in a baby book and picked it without the slightest thought.

The time periods between speaking to her gradually became longer and longer. When I first started staying at the Gomeses’ house, it would only be for a few hours, and then I would go back to my house. However, even when I was home, I rarely saw my mom. By the time I got to senior year and had my own room there, I’d stay sometimes a whole week at the Gomeses’. I’d only go to my house on weekends to check on my mom out of guilt, like I was supposed to be a good daughter and see my mom. Even if she rarely called me. The phone works both ways, after all. But I couldn’t help but feel bad that maybe she was hurting and needed someone too.

We’re approaching the building of our first class, and I absolutely refuse to have my past dampen my future. I close my eyes and tilt my head up to the sky. I can feel Anni link her arm in mine so she can guide us to where we are going. I give her arm a squeeze and take a big, deep breath in and out. I look directly at the sky and see blue and white. I feel at ease. Anni leans her head over to mine, and then we separate, heading into our first classes.

I’m not sure if marketing was the best choice for me. I barely have a clue about what is being said, but thankfully, I have Anni by my side. At the very minimum, I just need to pass. I’ve never been the best at schoolwork, but not the worst either. I feel satisfied when I complete things, so homework is my favorite task at school, and I always fly through it. Lectures and tests, though, are a struggle. I have trouble sitting still for long periods when hearing someone talk about a subject I barely care about. And tests are the least satisfying thing ever, unless I get graded immediately after.