Page 27 of Falling Again

I’m grateful my dad is cleaning up the house, although I feel a bit cowardly about it. Everything I did in this relationship didn’t really feel like me. I always felt like I was trying to change myself in a way that would make Rachel want to stay with me.

We pass a couple of storefronts closing up, and of course, my mom knows every person there, giving them a warm smile and a wave. I can tell she’s refraining from stopping to talk to them, asking how their kids are, or if they’ve finished reading the book she told them about. My mom remembers every little detail and always makes people feel heard. But right now, she’s here for me, and it’s everything.

I am dreading finishing out the school year and being around Rachel and whoever she’s started dating—if he’s even in high school. It makes me feel sick knowing she will move on so effortlessly, and that what we had was a joke to her. Only hours ago, I was sad that I’d be starting college a few months from now, so far away from her, far away from home. But now, I can’t wait to get out of this small town and start college in Eugene. I look around, fearing that I will run into her or someone from school. I’m ready for a change. I’m ready to see people I don’t recognize. Ready for everyone to not know who I am.

ELEVEN

CHLOE

NOW

So maybe I stretched the truth a little bit. It wasn’t a complete lie; I did come across a signed copy of Tommy Caldwell’s autobiography one day at work, who I’ve definitely heard Tyler mention more than once whenever he gets the chance to talk about rock climbing. Did I get it as a freebie? No, I paid full price. But Tyler doesn’t need to know that. I had been scouring my brain for ways to see Tyler again outside of our regular weekly pub hangs with Reid and Annika. Where we left things at the housewarming party was like a weight in my gut. Even though we all collected together and even in the time since, it’s seemed normal. But I can’t shake the feeling that things are off between us. This is how I ended up sitting in my parked car in front of Tyler’s ranch house on a weekday morning.

I’m just going to knock and drop off the books and leave. This a normal thing for friends to do. They drop off gifts and say hey. This isn’t strange. This is normal behavior. So, why does it feel like my gut is bubbling and I’m gripping my steering wheel so tightly as if I’m rooting myself to stay put.

Somehow, I manage to get from my car to his front door because my knuckles meet the rustic wood door in two quick knocks. It’s early. The birds are waking up, singing their pleasant songs. The air is a bit thick, hinting that this will be an unseasonably warm day. I hoped I’d be able to drop the books off while he wasn’t home so I could leave them on the porch. Like a coward. But I spied his car before I even rolled up the driveway. I rock on my feet, waiting another minute before pivoting on my heel and dumping the books at the rocking chair beside the door when it swings open.

Fuck me.

Tyler is wearing a muscle tee. The kind that looks like he cut the sleeves off himself, and the armholes dip low. Why do I have such a soft spot for muscle tees? I can see hints of his strong torso peeking through and a shine appearing along his skin. Shirts like this should be illegal to wear in front of friends. My hand tingles to reach into that armhole and touch his skin to see if he is burning up from the same heat I feel in his presence. He clears his throat and my eyes fly up to meet his. His deep auburn hair is a disheveled mess and he’s wearing chunky tortoise frame glasses I’ve never seen him in. I look down and see he has nothing on his feet.

“Oh! Did I wake you up?” I say in way of greeting.

Tyler crosses his forearms over his chest and leans against the doorframe, “No, no, I wake up quite early, ya know, ranch life and all. What did I do to earn this early visit from you?” he says, giving me a sleepy grin and I have to will my knees from buckling.

I hold up the books, “I wanted to drop these off, like I mentioned over text.”

“Ah, right, come on in. Do you have a moment? I could get your opinion on something.” Tyler straightens and opens the door wide for me.

“Yeah, my day is open. I wasn’t expecting you to be home, actually.”

“I took a personal day.” Tyler replies. I wait for an explanation but he doesn’t elaborate.

I plant my feet in the foyer before continuing and let out an exhale, “Ty, I can’t do this.” I say finally, feeling the weight rush out of me.

Tyler turns back to me, confusion washing over his face, “Do what?”

“I don’t know why I feel the need to apologize for last weekend, but it feels like I did something wrong. Things are weird between us now and I need to know what I did wrong, so I don’t do it again. I’m sorry if I crossed a line. I want to help you, you’re my friend. But I recognize that maybe what comes naturally to me isn’t what you need. I’m sorry.”

“Chlo.” Tyler takes the slightest step towards me. His eyes have grown into huge saucers. Crap. I’m ruining everything.

“Sorry! Sorry, I just–I felt like I needed to say something to you. Maybe it’s the fact we are getting closer as friends and are not quite surface level friends anymore. Anni has only been my closest friend for so long, and I realize that I don’t know how to be friends with people anymore and I don’t want to push you way and–”

“Chloe,” Tyler says firmly as he plants his hands on either of my shoulders. “Breathe.” He instructs and I follow his lead. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You helped me and I’m grateful. It’s been a while since I had one of those panic attacks, I’m sorry if it came across like I was angry at you. I’m not.” He squeezes my shoulders once. “You still have it in you to help me for a minute?”

I exhale again and nod. He releases my shoulders and it feels wrong.

I follow him to the sunken living room at the back of the house. Boxes are scattered about with stacks of books and papers. Some frames and boxes are stacked against the couches. I come to sit on one of the armchairs free of any items and glance at the cardboard box. It has “Mom’s things” written in black marker along the side. I glance up at Tyler who has taken a spot on the floor.

“You inspired me last weekend with Pam’s library. So, I started at my bookshelf over in the hall, like I texted you, but it’s like I could hear my mom nagging me to take out her books and do the same.” Tyler pauses a moment, raking his hands through his hair. “Today would’ve been my mom’s birthday. I thought I’d honor her by finally going through the boxes I packed away years ago.” I let Tyler talk, but his confession crashes into me. “I am having trouble with where to put what. My mom had books everywhere around the house. I know it probably makes zero sense that I packed up all her books only to unpack them but–”

“It doesn’t need to make sense. It’s whatever you needed to do to feel right. Tyler, I’m so sorry, I had no idea what day it was today. I can head out, I didn’t mean to intrude.”

“Please, no, stay. It’s better to spend these days with people I–people I care about. Like my friends.”

“Does Reid usually come over?”

“Sometimes, yeah. His uncle Martin knew my parents. Not closely but knew of them a bit since they lived in the same town. There’s been times I went over to his house, and we would have a cake as if we’d celebrate them. So, it was a pleasant surprise to see you show up at my door. I’d like you to stay.” My stomach does somersaults at this statement.