Page 24 of Falling Again

The first time I took Reid climbing, he said, “That looks easy.” Then, after he tried a run, he corrected himself by saying, “You make it look easy.”

Reid has come a long way since then and now has graduated from the beginner yellows to the intermediate green rock paths. I am taking the light-pink path; it’s not quite the hardest, which is white, but it will still be a challenge for today, and more importantly, it will distract me from my thoughts.

I chalk up my hands, fitting my fingers into the grooves of the rocks and my toes at the start. I put all the force into my fingers to lift my body. I can feel the muscles in my back contracting and releasing as I make my way up the path.

After twenty minutes, I’m out of breath and drenched in sweat, but I can’t stop. I peel off my shirt, chalk up my hands, and go at the wall again, Ratatat grooving in my ears. All I can focus on are the grips, the rock, getting to the top, feeling the pain in my fingertips and in my feet. I get to a bend in the path and find myself floating, only holding on by the tips of my fingers. I look up to see the next grip. It’s too far. I approached it from the wrong angle. I go to grab it anyway, but my fingers slip, and for a brief moment, I’m weightless. Before I land, I turn my body and fall on the mat without injuring myself. I exhale and close my eyes, feeling blackness creep around my vision. I breathe deeply, my lungs feeling like sandpaper.

I love climbing; it’s a hyper-focused adrenaline rush, and you don’t want to lose it. You keep chasing it. Then the end is either victory or defeat. But then you go again until you can’t feel the tips of your fingers.

I get up and look around, looking for Reid. I spot him sitting in the lounge area, sipping a green smoothie and reading on his e-reader. I walk over and take the chair next to him. He hands me a shake of the same color. I sip and recognize the minty protein shake from the gym’s smoothie bar. He pushes a button on the bottom of the e-reader and sits back, looking at me. He looks like he may have climbed for ten minutes and then given up. Regardless, I’m glad he’s here with me.

“How’d it go?” Reid asks.

“Went great, but I can’t get something out of my head.”

“Does her name start with the letter C?” he asks with raised eyebrows, taking a sip of his smoothie.

I roll my eyes, “You’re the worst secret keeper alive. I need to know I’m not completely out of my mind.”

Reid looks around the gym as if he’s trying to make sure Annika isn’t lurking behind a pillar. “You’re not completely out of your mind. Maybe for other reasons, but not those involving Chloe.”

I exhale. “I don’t know what’s going on, but she’s all I think about these days.”

Reid shakes his head, “Listen, I’ve known Chloe since we were kids, and although I don’t know everything, I know she’s been through hell and back. But it’s not my story to tell. It would be best if you heard from her.”

I nod and consider his words. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own situation, I didn’t even consider Chloe has her own shit she might be going through. She mentioned on our hike the other day about her parents and I haven’t even bothered to ask how she is doing. This is exactly why I shouldn’t even think about anything more with her. I have too much to work through myself before layering in a relationship with someone.

“It’s nothing, really. A crush that’s fleeting, I’m sure. She’s just been a great friend to have lately, that’s it.” I wave him off.

Reid nods, opens his mouth, and then closes it again, shrugging. “Alright, if you say so.” He says taking another sip from his smoothie and I’m grateful he’s choosing not to prod more.

I decide in this moment, to focus on my healing first. It’s seriously a problem if I can’t handle being in a room of people I’ve known my whole life. I can keep being friends with Chloe but can’t lead her on anymore. If the big secret Reid has tucked away is that Chloe has feelings for me, I worry I won’t be able to give her my full attention. And I won’t be able to deny myself from wanting more from her if she were to make a move.

We return to my place, and Reid heads for dinner with Annika. I walk over to my bookshelf and rearrange it by genre and author. Just like we did at Reid’s parents’ house. I don’t have as many books as Reid or Chloe, but enough to fill one wooden bookshelf. I know there are more books in boxes in my parent’s room but I haven’t worked up the courage to go through those yet.

I snap a picture and send it to Chloe without another thought. More out of instinct. Regret hits me just then at the conflicting conversation with Reid. He gave the impression that my crush on Chloe was mutual, but if she’s going through her own emotional recovery, how can I be the man she needs if I’m in shambles myself? She immediately replies and then sends me a photo of her shelves. The photo is of three bookshelves that reach her ceiling, filled with books. Another message pops up after.

Chloe

Hey :)

I got some freebies from work today. I found a couple of books I thought you’d like. Two books about national parks and one about some rock climber dude.

Me

What’s his name?

Tommy Caldwell, it’s signed too.

You have a signed Tommy Caldwell autobiography?! How did you get that?

LOL, I don't know, is he a big deal?

Before I started, he was at my work and signed a bunch of books. It was sitting on the staff freebie table.

Yes…please, he’s one of my climbing idols.

You can tell me about him when I drop off the books.