Page 23 of Falling Again

I’ve replayed the incident more times than I can count. It’s been years. Why does this still happen to me? It’s like I’m going about my life and a tidal wave of grief crashes into me. Once it does, I’m in a state of overwhelmed panic. I suppose it’s been a while since the grief hit me so hard, and I know it’s from seeing all my parents’ friends that did it to me. Still, I should be better than this. It also is eating at me that Chloe saw me like that. I don’t want her to think less of me. The whole event has left me feeling like shit.

Scooter is fast asleep next to me on the couch, but his head jolts up when the sound of tires on gravel comes through the window. Only a handful of people would pay me a surprise visit.

I open the door and realize it’s disappointment I’m feeling in seeing my best friend pull up in his pickup truck. I can’t lie, I was hoping Chloe would have come to check on me or something. Scooter flies through my legs, running toward Reid as he exits the driver’s side.

“Scoot! My man!” Reid says to him, crouching down while Scooter lunges into Reid’s arms. Reid walks up to the front door with a happy puppy in his arms, giving me a head nod.

“Hey, man, what’s up?”

“What do you mean?” I ask a bit too quickly.

Reid arches a brow. “You seemed moody after the party yesterday. I know when you’re going through shit, we’ve been friends for years.” I raise a brow back to him. “And Annika told me that Chloe told her you had a panic attack.”

“Geez, can’t a guy hyperventilate in private anymore?”

Reid leans down to put Scooter on the ground. “All right, bud, sounds like your dad is going through something. Go off and play.” He gives Scooter a pat on the butt, and Scooter heads back inside.

I turn to enter the house too, and Reid follows me. I didn’t think about Chloe telling anyone, and I didn’t tell her not to. It just felt like a personal moment between us. But I’m not mad she told Annika either.

Reid seems to sense my overthinking and firmly touches my shoulder. “Hey, it’s all right. She just said you were feeling overwhelmed before Anni and I found you guys. She asked if I could check on you. I put some pieces together. A party with a bunch of folks in one room who knew your folks. I can only imagine how hard it is for you.”

“I’m going through a lot right now.”

Reid heads to the couch and sits down. “All right, one thing at a time. Let’s start with the party. What happened?”

I sit across from him and recount the situation. I see the town, and everyone asks me about my parents. Reid is familiar with my past. We became friends shortly after I moved back to town, which helped me find joy in this place again. Making new friends and showing them where I grew up was a fun experience. The fact that he didn’t know who my parents were and wouldn’t ask about them made it easier to cope.

“So then, I found Chloe in the library, and she helped me calm down. But I just felt embarrassed by the whole incident. Chloe saw me having a panic attack. And now I don’t know if I scarred her or scared her off.”

“Nah, you didn’t do either. Chloe is a good friend, she won’t be deterred that easily,” Reid says, giving me a knowing smile.

“Why are you smiling like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re hiding something.”

“I’ve been sworn to secrecy,” he says, miming zipping his lips and throwing away the key.

I shake my head. “Remind me to never tell you my secrets.” Reid shrugs, stuffing his hands in his pockets and looking around. “Oh, come on, if you’re going to act like this at least give me a hint!”

“Unfortunately for you, I’m more afraid of Anni than of you, so no hints. Besides, we don’t have to tell each other everything. I’m sure you’ve got plenty secrets you don’t tell me!”

Yeah, like how all I think about anymore is one of our best friends. That I’m scared of letting myself get too close to her in fear of her getting ripped away from me. Like how the very thought of her catches my breath even when she’s not in the room. Like how I can’t even tell Reid how lonely I feel at times. Like I wish I had someone who knew how I felt.

I huff out a breath, “Don’t even get me started. Hey, uh, I could blow off some steam from…everything, do you want to go climbing?” I ask Reid, who has joined me at the climbing gym, Auburn Cliffs, a few times and even visited it alone on a few occasions. He’s belay certified now, which helps when I want to climb ropes. But today, I want to boulder. I want to feel fearless.

I want to stop thinking about what being around Chloe does to me.

“Let’s go—your car or mine?” He stands up and starts walking toward the front door.

“I’ll drive,” I say. I ensure Scooter has enough water and food before leaving and heading to Auburn Cliffs.

We ride in silence. I know Reid knows something about Chloe that he isn’t telling me. It was probably something Annika said to him that he couldn’t repeat. It didn’t used to be like this, but ever since that night when Annika ran off to the beach, something changed in our friend group and not just between Reid and Annika.

I look over at Reid, who is drumming on the passenger door to the song playing and mumbling the words. I pull up to Auburn Cliffs, and we head inside. We check in and lock up our street shoes and strap on our climbing shoes. I slip in my earbuds and play my bouldering playlist at near full blast, helping me zone out the voices echoing in my brain.

I eye the bouldering walls. I’ve climbed them countless times. Some days are easier than others. I feel like today’s climb is going to be rough.