Page 2 of Falling Again

“Sounds like I might be also sucker for the 2005 version,” Tyler says as he kicks off his boots, setting them by the front door, and grabs a blanket. He sits near me on the couch with a snack bowl of his own and rests his feet on the coffee table. We both settle into our spots, and I start the movie.

I always thought Annika reminded me a bit of Lizzy Bennett from Pride and Prejudice. So proud in her ways and reluctant to let any man tie her down. Except when Mr. Darcy, who is perhaps just as proud, if not prouder, challenges her boundaries. However, Reid is nothing like Mr. Darcy. At least not at the start of the story. Reid is a big ol’ softy through and through. I would argue that he’s more of a romantic than I am. He and I started a romance book club a couple of months ago. Reid, his stepmom, Pam, and I meet once a month to discuss the cheesy goodness that are romance novels. It will be great when Pam officially moves up here. She plans to turn one of her rooms into a small library where we can meet. Pam and Sean Parker, Reid’s parents, decided to move up to Auburn Hills to be closer to Reid and Sean’s brother, Martin Parker. Martin owns the wellness center where Reid and Tyler work at. It really feels like we are building a community of our own here. Which reminds me of the looming dread hanging over me of my two friends.

I sigh deeply, hoping Reid and Anni will work things out.

“Are you okay? You just let out a big exhale, and the movie hasn’t even passed the opening title yet,” Tyler says and grabs the remote to pause the movie.

“Yeah,” I say, sighing again. I look over at him and can’t help but smile. Given my history of relationships with men, I don’t find it easy to let my guard down with them. I worry that they hide their ulterior motives with kind actions. Though, with Tyler, I don’t feel that way at all. Maybe it’s because I know he doesn’t like me in the way I like him. I think I would know by now if he did. He’s nice in a friendly way. Not in a I’m-obsessed-with-you-and-want-to-jump-your-bones way. I’m pretty good at reading those types of things, and Tyler doesn’t give that energy. I probably should let my own crush on him simmer down, but having crushes on boys is basically a hobby for me. Two weeks ago, I had a crush on the new mail man, until his route changed and now I don’t see him around any more.

“I hope Reid and Anni can work it out,” I finally say, pulling my eyes away from Tyler’s face so I don’t get lost in the single auburn curl dangling above his forehead. He’s wearing tortoise shell wayfarer glasses today. I’ve noticed he switches his frames often, but these wayfarers are the ones I see him wear the most often. The round edges smooth the sharp lines of his cheekbones and jaw while the warm colors complement his copper hair.

“I have a good feeling about those two. They balance each other out more than anyone I’ve ever seen. They are the yin to each other’s yang. Plus, they are both so incredibly dramatic. Like, what twenty-four-year-old ‘runs away?’”

I start cackling. “You’re right, that is so dramatic. She can’t just talk it over with him like a normal girl. He has to chase her down to tell her he loves her.”

“In a way, it’s sweet. I’ve never loved anyone that passionately before. It’s inspiring,” Tyler says, and I want to say I agree, but it’s not true. I only love with intense passion, so much so that I end up getting burned. Every single time.

“It is inspiring,” I say, instead, and play the movie. I try to focus on the screen in front of me, but I can’t help but be distracted by the heat from the man sitting beside me.

The morning sun hits my face like a slap. Usually, the sun recharges me. There will be days where I will walk outside and just stand in the sun for at least ten minutes. I call it my “sunflower” time. As if I’m a plant and the sun is giving me life. However, right now, it’s beaming onto me like it’s trying to tell me a message. I can feel beads of sweat gathered on my forehead.

I crack my eyes open and move my neck. It’s as stiff as a board. My pillow must’ve fallen off my bed or something. I rotate my body, and my bed shifts and grunts. I freeze, and my eyelids fly open, and I come to find that I am not lying on my bed. No. In fact, I am on top of Tyler’s chest. He is lying with his back on the couch, his arms up over his head. The sun speckles across him in the most magical way. My body is wedged between him and the couch. Dandy is curled up at his neck. Apparently, I’m not the only one catching feelings.

I’m unsure whether to pretend I'm still asleep or to get up. We must have fallen asleep during the middle of the 1995 Pride and Prejudice miniseries. We finished the movie and finally heard from Annika and Reid. They were finally together. Tyler and I felt a sense of relief, and I could finally enjoy what we were watching. So, I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies, and we started watching the series.

Tyler crashes my thoughts by opening his eyes and gazing up at me. A sleepy smile stretches across his face, and he lifts his arm, dangling it by my head and running his fingers through my hair. He tucks some curls that escaped my braid behind my ears. I’m sure I’ve turned into a puddle of goo at this point. Every point of my body that he touches is tingling. I am buzzing and trying to stay calm.

“G’morning, sunshine,” he says to me, and I’m certain I must be dreaming. I open my mouth to respond, but no words come out.

Just then, Dandy stretches and pushes her claws against Tyler. He jerks his head up, and Dandy jumps off the couch. “Gah, I think she clawed me. Does she do that to you every morning?” He chuckles, then drops his hand from my head and rests it on his chest. He looks so relaxed, with the other arm tucked behind his head and my body draped on top of his. As if he wakes up like this every morning. My face feels hot and I feel flustered. Panic builds inside me.

I realize my mouth is still open, so I shut it and smile. My eyes dart back and forth. “Uh, I have to use the bathroom,” I say and jump off him, hightailing it down the hallway.

Once inside the bathroom, I turn on the water and gather the mound of curls tangled around my shoulders into a ball resembling a bird’s nest on top of my head. I then go through the steps to recenter myself that I learned from therapy earlier this year. I splash water on my face and take a deep breath. I breathe in and hold, then breathe out and hold, repeating the sequence three more times. Then I try to stay still, focusing on the sounds and smells around me until I can feel my body relax. I open my eyes, look in the mirror—and see a girl on the verge of repeating history. Before we moved to Auburn Hills, I was going through the worst breakup of my life. I caught my ex, Dane, cheating on me. He consumed my entire college life, aside from the few breaks we had. I even filled the void left by Dane with other boys during those breaks. I would go on date after date, using dating apps to hook up or dance with strangers at college bars. I did anything to distract me from Dane because, whether we were together or not, he was all I thought of.

I see myself in the mirror, and I fear I’m repeating the pattern. I’m turning Tyler into Dane. I think about what he’s up to when I’m not with him. I want to text him every day and ask how he is doing. I will see a rock and think of him because he likes to climb. It’s getting into dangerous territory. I draw a mental line in my head. A line I can’t cross. I can’t make Tyler another lifeline for me to cling onto. My heart has been broken so many times. First, my dad and then all the boys since that I’ve tried to fill this absence in my heart. Tyler isn’t a buoy to help me from going under. Tyler is my friend, and I feel completely at ease with him. I do not want to jeopardize that just because I want to smooch his face.

I reach for my phone as it buzzes in the pocket of my dress and see a text from Annika :

Anni

On our way home.

Yes, OUR way home.

Me:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t help but release a squeal and burst out of the bathroom. I quickly go change into some light blue overalls and a yellow T-shirt and storm into the living room. Tyler is still lying on the couch, and Dandy is curled on top of his chest. I’m going to have a talk with her later about that.

“They are heading back!” I say as I enter the living room.

“Great! I’ll make us all some breakfast.”

Tyler and I are sitting at my dining table finishing up our breakfast when Annika and Reid return. Reid has his left arm around Annika’s waist as they walk in, and I let out a huge gasp.

“It’s really happening!” I shout, and I can feel my face split into a wide smile.