Page 13 of Falling Again

I back against the door, trying to hold on to something, barely registering her words. Her back is still turned to me, and she hasn’t noticed my distress yet. I try calming myself down but keep hearing echoes in my head: “They are missed.” “Such a shame.” “Gone too young.” “Miss them deeply.” “It’s just him at the ranch.” “Poor kid.”

Chloe shuffles around the books on the shelf and continues, “Anni and I got brunch with Pam yesterday. We went to that new place at the end of Main Street, Herb & Dash. It’s okay, a little too bougie for me.” I try to listen as I’m gripping the door frame, struggling to keep myself up, my breathing getting caught in my throat. “Anyway, we got to chatting. She found out I worked at a bookstore and said she could use my help. I got here early, and Pam asked for my help organizing her books. I didn’t realize she had an entire library!” She throws her head back and cackles, then turns to me. She must register that something is wrong because she puts the books in her hands down and starts leaping across the piles on the floor.

“Ty, what’s going on? Are you okay?”

I shake my head and, through deep breaths, say, “No, can’t breathe.”

Chloe makes her way over to me and pulls me into her arms. She lowers us down on the floor and leans against a wall, putting me between her legs so my back is pressed to her front. She’s rubbing my arms up and down, then runs her fingers through my hair. Her touch is gentle and comforting.

“Tyler, close your eyes.”

“Call me Ty,” I say back.

She gives me a breathy laugh and angles my head to one side so I can almost feel her lips graze my ear. “Close your eyes, Ty; take a deep breath with me.” I feel her breathe in, and I try to match it, exhaling with her simultaneously.

“Tell me three things you hear right now.”

I close my eyes and focus on what I hear, trying to drown out my racing heart. “People talking downstairs.”

“Good, two more,” she says as she keeps gently rubbing my shoulders.

I concentrate. “Birds outside chirping,” I say before pausing again. “The sound of you breathing.”

Chloe moves her fingers gently through my hair. “Good. Now three things you smell.”

I take another deep breath. “Old books. Walnut wood.” Another breath. “Vanilla.”

“Mm, Sean had these shelves custom built for Pam.”

“What’s the vanilla? It’s sweet but not like cookies.”

“Maybe it’s my perfume.” I lean back my head a bit and take another breath, my eyes still closed.

“You smell good.”

I can feel Chloe’s smile against my back. “Three things you feel.”

“Overwhelmed, maybe a little sad…” I say hesitantly.

“No, physically feel.” Her fingers return to my scalp.

“Oh. Um, your fingers in my hair.” Chloe then rakes her hands down my neck. “Now on my neck.” Then she trails them down my arms, wrapping her my hands around mine. “I feel you.”

“I feel you, too. Open your eyes—what do you see?”

I slowly crack open my eyelids, and the view of the room comes into focus. “I see a floral armchair. I see about a million books.” I look down at my legs. Chloe has her legs bracketed around mine. “I see your Birkenstocks.”

“Good boy. How are you feeling now?”

“A little more relaxed. Still a little sad.”

“It’s okay. Do you get panic attacks often?” Chloe asks bluntly, but doesn’t make a move to leave. We stay in this position where she’s cradling my back, idly running circles on my hand with her thumb.

“Not in a while. I got them often after my parents’ accident when I first moved back here. Seeing their old friends downstairs brought up some feelings I tried to bury deep inside. I think as time goes on, I assume I’ve healed from it all, but then something reminds me of them and I crash down again. Or maybe I haven’t healed at all. Maybe I just get used to the pain.” I inhale and exhale deeply. “I miss them so much, Chloe.” The confession pours out of me.

Why is it so easy to talk about them with her? Like talking to Chloe about them brings lightness, rather than darkness. She’s the sunshine I desperately needed. It’s a good thing she can’t see my face. I’m starting to spiral for something else entirely.

Chloe wraps her arms around my front, and I clasp my hands over hers. “I know, it’s okay to miss them, and it’s okay to still hurt. No matter how long it’s been. I’m here for you, Tyler, always.” She leans her head on my back, and we stay here for a while. Not talking, just being here together.