Page 67 of Already Falling

I wipe away my tears quickly, hoping he doesn’t see, then plaster a smile back on my face. “Seriously, it’s okay. I think I just had too much to drink. I’m going to be so embarrassed tomorrow.” I try to laugh it off. “We should head out to beat the rush.”

Reid doesn’t say anything. He’s just looking at me with his eyebrows scrunched and the corners of his mouth turned down. I wish I could read his mind and figure out if I’ve devastated everything. I hope I can recover our friendship after this, although I don’t know if I’ll be able to recover. How can I ruin a relationship with a person so horribly, multiple times in my life? I wouldn’t be surprised if he never wants to see me again. I know one thing, I’m never going to try ever again.

We drive back to Auburn Hills in silence. I turn my body as close as possible to the passenger door, away from Reid. I can’t face him. I actually think I might have had too many beers, too, because it feels like bees are buzzing around my skull. He still hasn’t said anything to me, and I don’t expect him to. I expect him to drop me off and never see me again. The shame and embarrassment crawls around me, and I close my eyes, hoping the drive goes faster. I want to be at home already with Chloe. I want to take back this whole situation. I want to beg Chloe to come with us. I don’t want to lose my friend in Reid.

We finally make it back, and he pulls in front of my house. Before he can say anything, I fly open the door without a word and run inside.

I close the front door and lean against the other side. Chloe is on the couch with Dandy watching TV, and she knows as soon as she sees me. I can’t hold it in anymore. A sob breaks out of my chest, and I slide down the door, cradling into a ball. I can’t feel anything. I thought I was doing what I wanted, and he didn’t feel the same way anymore. I suppose it’s karma. How can you not feel the same way I feel about you? His words from six years ago replay in my head. Chloe wraps her arms around me as my sobs turn into soft cries.

She pulls me up into her arms and takes me to the bathroom, where she proceeds to remove my makeup and brush my hair out. I manage to shower and put my pajamas on, but I don’t know if I can sleep. I keep replaying the events in my head and their alternate endings. I’ve fucked things up once again. Can I ever get anything right? Can I ever get the timing right?

THIRTY-SEVEN

REID

I let her get out of my car without saying anything. I lost the ability to speak when she knocked the wind out of me.

I’m trying to form words that can explain how I’m feeling, but I can’t. I am at a crossroads. I love her as a friend. I do, but maybe also more than that. I just don’t want to lean fully in that direction.

Should I have kissed her back? Should I have made a move earlier? I was so scared she didn’t feel the same way and that I’d lose her. But now I’m second-guessing everything. Every smirk in my direction. How she looked at me after rejecting the shirtless guy. She always brings me my favorite drink at work. Our long texts through the days and nights about random topics.

I’ll let her cool off this evening, but I want to talk to her tomorrow. We can’t let this end us. We have to talk. About everything.

I can’t sleep. I am lying in my bed, rewinding the events in my head over and over again. I felt her hand on my back and didn’t think anything of it. We were dancing, and the crowd was getting rowdy. I thought she was trying not to stray too far away from me, plus I loved the feeling of having her close. Then she kissed me on the cheek, and I was so surprised. I almost didn’t think it was her. I turned and saw her leaning in for more. I reacted instinctually, backing away because my friend was trying to kiss me. God, I’m so stupid. I am an asshole. The look on her face made me want to crawl into the nearest hole and live there for the rest of my days. I hated that my reaction made her feel that way. But I was so confused. I still am.

I need a snack. I need to do something instead of lying here. I don’t know why, but I want a bean and cheese burrito. Something warm and cheesy will be sure to comfort the turmoil I’m experiencing. If only I could find the can opener. I swear I had one. I open every drawer in my tiny kitchen and I can’t find it. Maybe it’s in a different drawer. I start searching my house, looking for a can opener. It’s not until I reach the small drawer at the table by the front door that a little velvet pouch catches my eye. The necklace.

Her necklace.

I grab it and collapse on the couch, clutching it to my chest. Every feeling I ignored rushes out of me at once.

I love her. She’s the one. She always has been. No matter how many times we push each other away, we always make our way back to each other. She’ll always be the one for me. I can’t hold back my tears as I press the pouch to my chest. I only cry when I lose her. No one has ever made me feel as comforted as she does. She feels like home. She is my home. I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

THIRTY-EIGHT

REID

It takes every ounce of restraint to wait until after the sun rises to check in with her.

9:10 am to Annika

Reid

Hey :)

10:00 am

Do you want to get a bite to eat today?

message unread

10:13 am

Outgoing Call to Annika - No Answer

I’m starting to panic. What if this is it? Our friendship is over. I just need her to give me one more chance. I just need to talk to her. I get a text from Tyler just before I’m about to send Annika another message.

10:18 am