Page 61 of Already Falling

Are you saying you were lying to me?

Annika

what? No, I’m sorry.

Reid

Sorry for what, why are you sorry?

Why did you really swipe right?

Annika

I don’t know why…

Reid

Well, figure it out.

- You unmatched Annika -

Damn, I feel attacked by the past me after that last message. I shouldn’t feel guilty about sending those messages, but a part of me does. At the time, I didn’t hesitate. I just said what was on my mind, what was brewing inside me. All the confusion about why she ended things when our dates felt perfect.

I need to shake these feelings off. We are starting fresh, a new friendship, which I love so much. I love having her as a friend. And Chloe and Tyler. It’s the best to have this new friend group. The four of us. The four musketeers, four amigos, the four cool rats. Is that last one a thing? I think I’ve heard Annika say it before. Regardless, I need to shake off the past. It seems Anni is trying to do that, too, and I need to respect it.

A cool shower sounds like just what I need, after all. My apartment is still so hot that I don’t even put my pajamas back on and pass out on my bed. I have another sex dream with Annika because my brain likes to torture me weekly. I force myself in the morning to release the tension that was built under my shower head while I mutter to myself that she’s just my friend.

THIRTY-THREE

ANNIKA

I’m officially screwed. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with my best friend. And that’s not Chloe, although that would be a lot easier, and we’d probably live a long, happy life together. Unfortunately, it’s my other friend I’m in love with. The one with whom I have so many layers of unpacked conversations that keep getting buried under bookstore friend dates, brunch on the weekends, and after-work hangs. It’s like the nachos we share at happy hour. We never reach the bottom. We always skim the good stuff on top and ignore the crunchy-gone-soggy chips at the end.

I woke up the day after exposing the lowest point of my life to Reid between the bookstore's Young Adult and Non-Fiction Sections to a chain of texts from him.

Reid

Hey, I just want to tell you I’m proud of you

Also, good morning.

i’m always here for you by the way :] if you need to talk about anything else.

Which feels like an invitation, meaning he and I can—and should—discuss our college relationship, but I take it as Reid solidifying our friendship. He’s not going anywhere, no matter what curveballs I throw at him. Even though it’s been a few weeks, I’ve gone back to his messages and reread them repeatedly.

I feel like I’m betraying myself when I think about him all day. I see a mug at the store, and I think, “Hmm should I get Reid a matching one?” I came here to focus on myself, and all I can focus on is the rush he makes me feel. The butterflies in my stomach are taking up a permanent residence. Maybe being his friend was a terrible idea. I can tell how much Chloe loves when the four of us hang out together. It feels easy. Each time we are together, I get to know a new layer about him that I never saw before.

I love the way the dimples on his cheeks show up only when he laughs a certain way, and I’ve made it my life’s mission to unlock that laugh. The kind of laugh where you forget where you are and what you are supposed to be doing. Once I do, I want to photograph him smiling with those dimples so they can live on forever. I can look at the photo and see what pure joy looks like.

I can’t wait for it to get cold again so that he can grow out his hair and it can curl up under his caps. Those tousled brown waves flop around his face as he bobs his head in the car or runs his fingers through his hair when he’s thinking hard about something. They should carve that moment out of marble and put it in a museum, but in a special room that only I can view.

I love how he knows Tuesdays are my least favorite days, so he always brings me a dirty chai with oat milk to cheer me up.

I love how he fills up Dandy’s water bowl every time he visits our house.

I love that he eats the crusts from my pizza.

I love that we’ve moved from fist bumps to side hugs because the side of my body he touches tingles for at least five minutes afterward.