Page 60 of Already Falling

“Yeah, it sucks, but it happened, and I am stronger from it, I suppose.” I press under my eyes to shake the tears trying to form and take a sigh that lasts an entire year.

“You’re the strongest person I know, it takes a lot of guts to follow your dreams.”

I nod and avoid looking at him directly. I really don’t want to cry in public. “I think Chloe should be off soon. I could use some mint chocolate chip ice cream after this trauma dump in a bookstore.”

Reid’s expression morphs into a smile that doesn’t quite meet his eyes, but he extends a hand to me as we rise and gather our books. I go to grab mine, but he swipes it away. “Hey, I want that one.”

“Well, you’re going to have to get another copy because this one is mine,” he says.

“Dude, you have to read the other two beforehand. You can’t read out of order! That’s like the biggest book crime.”

“Fine, I’ll buy you this one. You buy me the first book.” I am beside myself, giggling as I lead us to the romance section.

“That makes no sense, but it’s a deal. I hope you like reading about rich kids in Philly.”

“You said Philly? I love their cheesesteaks.” We head to the registers after grabbing the books Tyler requested, where Chloe checks us out and raises an eyebrow toward Reid’s book purchases.

The three of us head out to a local ice cream shop, and no talk about past relationship trauma is mentioned again, which I’m grateful for. Although, since telling Reid, a part of me feels a bit lighter. Like a chip of the weight from that night was broken off. A lighter load to carry on with. I feel like I can walk a little taller and smile a little bigger. I hope I can keep chipping away at the bad memories.

THIRTY-TWO

REID

I can’t sleep the night we get home from our bookstore and ice cream adventure. I’m buzzing. I’m furious. It’s not because of the heat that I can't sleep, although that doesn’t help either. I’m fucking pissed about what Annika told me. I spent hours searching the internet, seeing where Trey Roberts was and how I could punch him in the face. Four years ago, she dealt with this asshole, and clearly, it affected her so badly that she hasn’t dated another guy since. I wish I could have been there for her again. I wish it could have been me at that bar with her. How differently things would have gone. I’d have treated her like the phenomenal woman she is.

Four years ago.

I reflect on the past. Where was I four years ago? I was desperately trying to get through college, ready to move to Auburn Hills. I didn’t end up studying abroad, so I was even more antsy. I stand up and pace my room and decide I need to just get out of my bedroom. Maybe I should take another cold shower and blow off these nerves. If it hadn’t happened so soon after we matched on Flame, then maybe I wouldn’t be taking what happened so personally. I was still fuming at her for rejecting me and then playing with my feelings like a puppet.

Now, we’ve established this friendship, and I care about her and am upset that she told me some douchebag asshat took advantage of her when she was in college, probably in a sad spiral, drunk, and vulnerable. Dammit, I’m fuming again. I’m probably miss judging the timeline. She didn’t mention how much time had passed since we matched on the app. She wouldn’t have spiraled like that from our little dating app interaction. It was nothing.

I sit on my couch and run my hands through my hair, thinking and searching my memories. Did I take a screenshot? I must’ve if it was Annika. Who would I even have sent it to? Maybe my dad. I guess it’s worth a shot to go through my camera roll. Good thing I don’t delete any photos ever.

It feels like I’m on an endless scroll through my screenshots folder until I find a familiar orange and yellow app background. The funny thing is, I wasn’t even on it very long, before or after. I think I downloaded it the day before we matched. I was just so angry that out of all the women in San Diego, I matched with the girl who broke my heart, so I deleted it the day after. Okay, so maybe our interaction affected me after all, but I assumed it was one-sided, that she just went on continuing not to care about me.

I reread the chat. It’s hard to absorb. I feel the anger I felt at the time in my messages. I hated San Diego. I wanted to leave so badly. I was incredibly lonely and ached for any sort of human connection.

It’s a Match! Chat with Annika…

Reid

Are you joking?

What are you doing?

Why did you swipe right?

Annika

I wanted to see if you would swipe right.

Which you did.

Reid

Of course I did. I still like you.

You ended things with ME. You said you don’t feel the same way.