Page 180 of Ghost Ribbon

Marco would get a heart.

I stood in the hallway when the doctor said it, watching Marco’s parents break open in front of everyone. His mother pressed both hands over her mouth. His father turned away so no one would see his face. I watched them and for one single moment I could breathe. Just one. The air went all the way down into my lungs without catching on the barbed wire that had lived there for months.

Then the moment ended.

They went into Marco’s room to see him, to sign the papers. I walked out and gave them a few moments with him alone.

The hospital stairs were cold under my hands. I sat on the third step down from the landing, elbows on my knees, staring at the scuffed floor. The transplant had a list of risks longer than the list of people I had killed. Rejection. Infection. Bleeding. The heart could refuse him. His body could refuse the heart. He could open his eyes tomorrow or he could never open them again. I couldn’t let myself breathe properly.

I needed the surgery to go well.

I needed him to wake up.

Only then would I be able to breathe.

Footsteps stopped beside me.

Rei sat down on the step to my left. He didn’t look at me at first. He just sat there, hands loosely clasped between his knees, the same way I was sitting.

“I know what you did,” he said.

My throat tightened. I swallowed once. “Dimitri has a big mouth?”

He shook his head. “No. I just… like to eavesdrop sometimes.”

I nodded slowly. Somewhere down the corridor a cart rattled past. “Ah. You must be happy.”

He turned his head. “About?”

“You don’t like me. Which is mutual, by the way. But you get what you want.” My voice stayed flat. “Marco will hate me when he finds out.”

Rei’s mouth pressed into a thin line. He looked away for a second, then back. When he spoke again the sharpness was gone.

“It’s true I don’t like you,” he admitted. “But I’m not blind. I know you love him. You’ve been there for him throughout all these months. When he was feeling bad I know you were the one holding him through the pain. I’m grateful for that. I don’t wish you bad.”

I stared at him. I didn’t expect this so I didn’t know what to say.

Rei kept looking at me. “Were the people you killed bad?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

And it didn’t matter. I’d do it again.

Rei swallowed.

I watched the movement of his throat and knew exactly what was happening behind those eyes. He hated violence. Right now he was tearing himself in half: on one side his best friend would wake up with a beating heart; on the other, one hundred and forty-seven people were dead so that heart could exist. The arithmetic didn’t sit cleanly in a mind like his.

He looked down at his hands. “I don’t think he will hate you…”

I turned my head slightly, giving him my full attention. Rei sighed, the sound tired. “I don’t think Marco is capable of hatred in general. But even if he is, I don’t think it can ever be towards you. He talks about you like you are an angel, you know?”

A sound almost left my throat. Almost a laugh. It died before it reached the air.

Angel.

There was nothing holy left in me.

“He never had one bad thing to say about you. It was always about how you made him feel loved and safe… and how much he loves your smile.”