Page 76 of Love and Lies

“Helena,” he said, and even my name on his lips caused such a lurch deep in my belly that I couldn’t reply right away. “What’s going on?”

How was I supposed to respond to that? I wanted to see you? I couldn’t go another second without speaking to you?

“I… wanted to talk to you,” I said, looking around in case anyone could see or hear us.

Jess noticed, then stepped past me and opened a door that led to what looked like an unused office: half the room was full of tablecloths and champagne coolers. He switched on the light and let me in first. Then he followed, closing the door.

“Well?” he asked. “What’s so important you left your boyfriend waiting for you on his own out there with his steak?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I said quickly. “My parents forced me into a date with him. I couldn’t do anything about it. But believe me, it’s the first and last time I’ll be going out with him.”

Jess’s face shut down even further. “It’s none of my business who you go out with.”

He was right. But it still hurt to hear how he said it. So distanced and detached. And anyway, I wanted it to be his business. I wanted everything to do with me to be his business.

“Please don’t say that,” I said softly.

“What, then?” he asked in a hard voice. “I’m supposed to be happy that you’re not into sexist assholes with no manners? What good is that when you’re dating him anyway because your parents want you to? What good is it if we need to be behind closed doors to even talk to each other?”

My head bowed. He had a point. And I didn’t have anything to say in reply that wouldn’t be a lie.

“You have no idea how badly I wish that things were different,” I said instead.

“Believe me, I do.”

His tone made me look up again. The softness in his voice hit me hard, and suddenly I was all too aware how close we were. I wanted more than anything to take that single step toward him and touch him. Just for a moment. But I couldn’t. I shouldn’t. Because if I did, trying to keep my distance again would be worse than the last time.

Much worse.

34 Jessiah

Neither of us moved. It was like we were frozen in the moment—a moment of utter helplessness. And it made me so mad that we had no choice. That there was no such thing as free will in our world, when it was something I’d fought hard for my whole life. Now, though, I saw I’d achieved nothing. Helena was standing right in front of me, but she might as well have been on another planet. She was barely three feet away and still out of reach.

“You should go back,” I said softly. Go, unless you want me to do something we’ll both regret.

“Yes.” She nodded but didn’t move an inch. “I don’t want to go, though.”

I took a silent breath, gripping the edge of the desk I was leaning against with my hands so as not to get any crazy ideas. I should probably have shut my eyes so I couldn’t see her standing there, more beautiful than ever, with a look on her face that was making it hard for me not to cross the line. I knew what she wanted: the same thing I did. But neither of us was going to get it. This wasn’t just a kiss, or a quick hookup. It was much more than that.

And that was clear to both of us.

“What do you want, then?” I asked, anger crowding out all other emotion. “A piece of paper, to write me another note on?”

Helena drew a sharp breath. “That’s not fair, Jess.”

“No, it isn’t.” I looked her in the eye. “This whole fucking life isn’t fair—better get used to it.”

“Oh yeah, sure. Thanks for the lecture.” She shook her head. “But enough with the anger. You’ll feel better, you know.”

“I wish I could!” I snarled. “I wish I could just be pissed at you for the fact that your family’s reputation is more important to you than—” I broke off; I didn’t want to say it. What good would it do, anyway, except cause more pain.

But Helena wasn’t letting me off so easily. “More important than what?”

I pressed my lips together. “Than us,” I said finally, revealing a lot more than I’d intended. The fact that she meant a lot to me. That I’d had hopes for a future with her, without realizing it. “I know there’s something between us. Something worth fighting for, to see where it goes. But we can’t fight, because there’s no enemy. Only people we want to protect.”

I saw tears welling in her eyes. “You have to understand, I—”

“I do,” I interrupted her. “That’s the worst part—I understand completely. After all, I’m only in New York because my family is more important to me than my own happiness too. But that doesn’t make it any easier, okay?”