Page 67 of Love and Lies

“Is that all?” the employee asked in a neutral tone.

“Yes,” I managed. “That’s all. Thank you.”

Then I hung up, crawled under my blanket, and pressed my lips together tightly, to try to stem the flow of tears.

30 Jessiah

“How far is it now?” Eli called out to me impatiently.

“Another half hour, tops. You tired or something?” I grinned and turned to my little brother walking behind me, a backpack on his back and a Yankees cap on his head. We’d decided at breakfast this morning that the weather was fine enough to hike out to Swan Lake. Now it was late afternoon, and we were on our way home, but the hike had clearly been a bit much for Eli.

“No, I just want to know, that’s all,” he said defensively, returning my grin. I hadn’t seen him so relaxed in a long time. Since we’d arrived at my father’s farm yesterday afternoon, he seemed to leave New York further behind with each passing minute. And he wasn’t the only one.

The untouched landscape out here was exactly what my brother needed to really take a breath. When I’d suggested the trip, I was mostly thinking of Eli, of course, but if I were being honest, it was doing me just as much good. Getting out, getting some peace and quiet, some distance from the city, seeing something different. I should have done it a long time ago.

After a very successful meeting with Bill Jefferson at the Mirage, my mother had had a moment of lenience and said yes to my bringing Eli to Swan Lake for the weekend. The place was tiny, consisting of just a single street with a few houses and a seafood restaurant. There were several farms dotted around with acres of land attached, like my father’s—only he had sold most of his pastureland to the neighbors during his lifetime. It was a shame, really, that no one looked after the farm—the stalls were empty, as were the buildings. Dad had had a small warmblood horse-breeding operation and a few staff, but now only Alicia, the manager, was left to keep the main house and several outbuildings in shape, though no one lived there anymore.

“What do you want to eat tonight?” I asked Eli, waiting for him to catch up to me on the small path. “Alicia went grocery shopping, so there’s a lot of choice.”

My brother wrinkled his brow in thought. “Hmm. Do you think we could have macaroni and cheese?”

I had to laugh. “Mac ’n’ cheese? Of course.” When Eli was at my place, I usually made us some kind of fast food, or we’d eat Italian or Asian food. He’d never asked for mac ’n’ cheese before, though. “What made you think of that?”

“I was thinking recently how Adam always used to make it… before,” Eli said quietly. “It was the only thing he could even cook.”

“That’s true,” I said, smiling softly, and the sun’s brightness seemed dimmed by sorrow for a moment. “He really had no talent in the kitchen.”

“But his mac ’n’ cheese wasn’t bad at all. Especially straight from the dish, in front of a movie.”

That was how we’d spend the evening sometimes, when Henry and Trish had plans and left us home alone. Those were the rare moments when I’d really felt at home there—with my brothers, a superhero movie, and a ton of candy. Crazy that I’d almost forgotten about it.

“Right, then that’s our plan for this evening—mac ’n’ cheese straight from the dish and Iron Man.”

“I mean… the movie choice can be up for discussion, no?” Eli pulled a face. He didn’t entirely share my enthusiasm for Tony Stark.

“If we must.” I grinned, glad that the shadow had dispersed again. But thinking about Adam led me to Valerie, and from her, inevitably, to Helena. Not that I really needed a reason to think about her. I did that way too much.

The memory of coming back to my room to find it empty was as fresh as if it had happened yesterday, yet it had been three weeks ago already. I still remembered closing the door and calling out that I was back, only to be met with silence. At first I thought Helena might have fallen asleep, since I’d been gone for almost an hour instead of twenty minutes, as I’d promised. But then I found her note, and waited. And just as I was wondering whether she really was coming back, someone knocked on the door—a hotel employee with a message for me.

It’s over; they know. Please forgive me. H.

Out here, it was warm and sunny; spring was in the air for the first time this season. Nevertheless, I suddenly felt cold. I knew that Helena was still in New York, that she hadn’t been sent back to England—Thaz had heard from a friend who’d had seen her at Columbia. But that was all I knew. Since that night in the Mirage, there’d been total radio silence between us. And even though I’d asked Thaz for Helena’s number directly after that weekend, saving her in my phone as “Fair Helen,” I couldn’t bring myself to call or text her. There were only two possibilities for how she would react: either she was thinking about me just as much as I was thinking about her, in which case I wouldn’t be making things any easier for her by calling, or she was sticking by her decision and ignoring me. She was a Weston, after all. I knew how these families operated—the kids were brainwashed from a young age into thinking there was nothing more important than appearances. Just because Helena had gotten carried away and forgotten it for a moment didn’t mean she hadn’t been reminded now. No matter how you sliced it, in the end nothing good would come of this. So her number in my phone felt like a constant possibility—but on closer inspection it was really nothing but a recipe for trouble and misery.

“Jess?” Eli gave me a tap. “Everything okay?”

“Sure.” I smiled. “Everything’s great.”

“It doesn’t look like it.” My little brother was a highly sensitive person, and extremely empathetic when it came to other people’s moods. A miracle, really, considering his parents.

I was about to brush him off with another line, but then I remembered promising myself once that I would never lie to him. But I couldn’t tell him the whole truth, so I tried a third way.

“I was thinking about a girl.”

Eli stopped in his tracks. “A girl? In New York?” It sounded absurd even to him. He’d asked me sometimes over the last year why I didn’t have a girlfriend, and I told him I didn’t want a relationship with anyone from the city. He’d clearly remembered.

“Yes, but the whole thing ended before it began, so it’s ridiculous that I’m even still thinking about it.” I set off walking again. It wasn’t much farther to the farm.

Eli didn’t let it go. “Why did it end so quickly? Doesn’t she like you?”