Page 53 of Love and Lies

I stared out the windshield at the large windows across the street and the sign hanging above them with the name “Harper’s.” I’d been sitting in my car for half an hour already, unsure whether to go in. It wasn’t that I was thinking about taking up Thaz’s offer—much as I was excited by the thought of putting my idea into action, I wasn’t going to do it in New York City. I was a little afraid of what would happen, though, when I went in there on my buddy’s behalf to sound out old Harper about selling. Would I be so inspired when I set foot in the place that I’d start to picture it after all?

The restaurant was one of the oldest in the area, and though it had had different owners in its time, it had always been a gold mine. I’d been there many times, so I knew it was perfect for what I was thinking of—the size, the location, the way the space was divided, all exactly what I wanted. Just not in this city. And that’s why I was sitting here, freezing my ass off in my ice-cold pickup, unable to make a decision. What if I left again in two years and had to give the place up?

Is there really nothing you could be persuaded to stay for?

I heard Helena’s voice so clearly in my head it was as if she were sitting next to me in the passenger seat. It had been three days since we’d parted ways outside Bella Ciao, but the fact that I remembered her words was no surprise, since I couldn’t get her out of my head. Her laugh, her sardonic remarks—and especially those moments when the connection between us was so intense it should by rights have terrified me. Only it didn’t. I couldn’t help but relish whatever it was that existed between us, the feeling she stirred in me—even if it ached. I’d even turned Sam down yesterday evening, making something up about a project that was taking up a lot of time right now, but it was a barefaced lie, of course. I’d passed up the prospect of great sex, and for what? A woman who was unattainable? Because I saw the way she responded to me and then made no move to do anything about it—it was as clear to her as it was to me that we had no chance. That was why I hadn’t made any attempt to get her number. On the one hand, I desperately wanted to see her again. On the other, I knew that every minute we spent together we were in more and more danger.

So you’re never going to open your heart to anything new again? I think that would be a mistake.

The way she’d looked when she said that was burned into my retinas, as were the images that flooded my brain when I imagined being with her. I’d wanted so badly to kiss her in the kitchen at Bella Ciao. Good sense had won out, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold back next time. The pull between us was too strong. And I had no idea how to deal with it.

I swore under my breath. Here I was thinking about this yet again. I tore myself away from Harper’s at last and reached for the ignition key. Time to get going.

I was just about to turn the key when my phone rang. I took it from the dashboard and saw my little brother’s photo on the screen. He probably wanted to know what time I was going to pick him up for our movie night tomorrow.

“Hey, Eli. What’s up?”

“Jess?” His voice was weak in response.

Right away my pulse jumped from its usual fifty up to two hundred. I knew that tone in my brother’s voice all too well, I’d heard it so often before. “Are you having a panic attack?” I asked, starting the engine. “What happened?”

“I don’t exactly know… I…” Eli broke off; it was obviously so bad he couldn’t explain how he’d gotten himself into whatever situation he was in.

“Okay, take it easy. Everything’s going to be okay; I’m on my way. Just tell me where you are, little guy.” When Eli was in this state, he often just set off walking aimlessly, sometimes into neighborhoods where he really might get into trouble.

“Somewhere on Sixth,” he said shakily. “I think… I think I can see Bryant Park.”

“Okay, I’m not far away. Stay on the phone.” This had happened before, countless times, but it was only for me that it had become something of a routine; Eli was not capable of thinking clearly right now. “This will pass, you know that. It’s not dangerous, what’s happening right now. Remember what you’ve learned—inhale, exhale, let it pass.” I spoke in a calming voice, and I heard Eli taking deliberate breaths down the line and growing calmer.

“That’s great,” I encouraged him, turning off at Union Square. “I’m on Sixth now. I’m five minutes away.”

“Okay,” my brother spluttered. “I’m sorry, Jess, I—”

“Don’t be,” I interjected. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. Just keep breathing, okay? I’m almost there.”

Sixth Avenue was a little congested, but I threw caution to the wind, squeezing past two taxis and a bus, finally coming up on Bryant Park. I saw him eventually, outside Whole Foods. He was crouched down, his back against the gray frosted glass of the shopfront, hands pressed to his head. In a maneuver that probably violated a bunch of traffic regulations, I rapidly swerved across several lanes of traffic so I could stop on the side of the street where the store was located.

“I’m here,” I said into the phone, hanging up. I jumped out of the truck and ran to him. No one was taking any notice of the boy crouched on the sidewalk, sheer panic in his eyes, clutching his phone so tightly his knuckles were white. New York was like that—you were in trouble, and people just walked past. Nobody cared about anyone else, only themselves. That was this god-awful city’s whole vibe.

“Eli!” I called just before I got to him. He looked up, and a second later he clocked me and picked himself up. I felt him trembling as I put my arms around him, holding tight. “All good,” I murmured, rubbing his back, just like I’d done when he was a lot smaller. “It’s all good—I’m here.”

The trembling abated a little, but I knew he wasn’t out of the woods yet, so I released him and steered him toward the truck and around to the passenger-side door. Eli got in, and I went around to the driver’s side, climbed in, and closed the door. His harried stare flitted to the people on the street, as if trying to gauge whether any of them might be a threat. I put my hand on his arm, but he didn’t respond.

“Hey, look at me, little guy.”

Eli tore his eyes away from the throng outside and looked at me.

“I’m going to get you out of here, okay?” I said, starting the car again. Someone honked loudly behind me, but I simply gave the driver the finger as I pulled away and made a left onto Forty-Second Street.

Eli kept breathing, saying nothing until we were halfway to the West Village.

“Where are you going?” he asked. His voice was a little firmer now.

“To my place,” I replied. I actually had an appointment downtown in an hour, but I could push it. Eli needed a safe place, and my mother’s apartment was not that. “I’ll just say we moved up our movie night because I couldn’t do tomorrow.”

“No, we can’t!” He shook his head vehemently. “I have plans with Dad; we wanted to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s. If I don’t show up, he’ll think I had another episode.”

“You did have an episode, Eli.” I looked at him in concern. “Do you really think you’ll be able to hide it from your father?” His dark hair was plastered damply to his forehead, and his eyes had that frazzled glint they took on whenever he had a panic attack. Henry wasn’t stupid, and he knew his son.