Page 100 of Love and Lies

I could only nod, and he got out of the car. Once he’d left, I pressed the intercom button. “Raymond? There’s something I have to do first. Could you take me to the West Village? Commerce Street.”

“Of course, Miss Helena.”

We were there in less than ten minutes—ten minutes in which I tried to come up with the words, until I realized there was nothing I could say that would make it any easier for Jess or me. My mind was blank as I got out of the car and walked toward the apartment building—and the man—that just last night had been my refuge. Now, not even twenty-four hours later, I was here to destroy it all. Him. Me. Everything between us.

I kept going. And going. Until I stood before his door. I never thought I could feel more angry, desperate, and dejected than I had last night. But now I did. And although every part of me wanted to scream with the agony and injustice of it all, I didn’t make a single sound.

I didn’t make a sound; instead, I raised my hand and knocked, keeping my side of the bargain that was going to save my family.

45 Jessiah

After Helena left I was in such a good mood I didn’t know what to do with myself. Okay, her brother’s message didn’t exactly sound positive, but the elites of New York City were renowned for being overly dramatic. It was probably something that wouldn’t interest anyone in the real world—a scandal over the wrong color on a wedding invitation, or the seating plan for some event. I was excited for her to come back so we could finish the day as we’d started it; since she’d been gone I was missing her already.

It was the first day I’d really felt good since I’d gotten back to New York, and I was singing loudly, in the process of putting away the remains of the waffle mix, when there was a knock at the door. I turned the music down and went to open it, my most charming apology for the neighbors at the ready. But I opened the door to find Helena standing there. My heart skipped a couple of beats.

“Hey,” I said happily, letting her in. “I didn’t think you’d be back so soon. Is everything okay with your family?”

“Yes. No. It doesn’t matter.” She looked uncharacteristically formal, wearing a dark sweater with her hair tied back, and the smile on my face disappeared when I realized hers was nowhere to be seen. In fact, I could tell she’d been crying—I knew what that looked like now after all.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, full of concern, reaching out a hand to her, but she took a step back and pressed her mouth into a tight line as though desperately trying to keep it all together. The joyful feeling in my belly turned to something sharp. Something wasn’t right. Something was horribly, awfully wrong. “Talk to me, Fair Helen.”

“Jess, I…” she began, balling her hands into fists, trying to stay in control. It just about killed me to see her like this and not be able to do anything about it. It was as if there was a glass wall between us, separating us from one another. “This thing between us… I can’t do it. Last night was really amazing. But I’m sorry… it was a one-off.”

I stared at her. “Are you shitting me? Is this a joke?” She’d left here not two hours ago, kissing me and telling me we’d see each other again soon. We were on the same page; we wanted to give it a shot, despite all the shit that was going to stand in our way. Because it was too important to us not to try. What the hell had happened since then?

She shook her head defiantly. “It’s not a joke—it’s my decision. It wasn’t easy, but believe me, it’ll be better for both of us if you just accept it.”

“Accept it?” I was supposed to just accept that she was talking to me like some politician on an election campaign? Like hell. “I’m not accepting anything until you tell me what happened in the last hour and a half. What exactly brought on this decision since you woke up next to me this morning. Your parents? Are they making you dance to their tune again?”

“No,” she replied, lowering her gaze. “They aren’t.”

“Okay, so what is it, then? Did you step out of the front door and realize you didn’t give a shit about me? That this thing between us was just a casual fling? Maybe you wanted to know what your sister saw in my brother, what it was like to fuck a Coldwell? Is that it?”

“Jess, please stop,” she begged softly.

“For fuck’s sake, you stop!” I rounded on her. “Stop treating me like some stranger you picked up at a bar! You mean something to me, Helena, more than you can imagine! So tell me what’s going on, damn it!”

“I can’t!” she cried, revealing at last how she really felt. How desperate she was, how helpless. I saw it in her blue eyes before it all came tumbling out of her. “I can’t tell you, Jess! I can’t tell you anything ever again! I’m not allowed to!”

At these words, an inner alarm bell began to sound—one reserved exclusively for Trish Coldwell. When she had skin in the game, I’d recognize a move of my mother’s with my eyes closed. And I knew how obsessed she was about not letting Helena get close to me. This was her handiwork, plain as day.

“What does she have on you?” I said grimly. “What has Trish threatened you with?”

But Helena simply shook her head, silently raising a hand to her mouth to keep herself from crying. In two strides I was over there, folding her into a hug, and for a brief moment she allowed it, holding me tight. But then she broke away again, as if she’d remembered she wasn’t supposed to get too close. Which was presumably exactly what Trish had demanded.

“Fine, I’ll ask her myself.” I went to the counter where my phone was.

“No!” cried Helena in alarm. “If she finds out you know, she won’t keep up her end of the deal. And she has to, or my family will lose everything!”

I would have scoffed, but Trish’s cold-bloodedness left me speechless. My mother had never given a single shit about my life, but now that I was finally happy, she started with her schemes? Just like she did with Adam, I thought bitterly. History always did repeat itself.

“Fine, I’ll make a deal with you too.” I looked Helena dead in the eye, taking great pains to keep my voice calm, even though I felt like yelling. “Tell me what my mother agreed with you, and I promise I will never let slip that I know about it.”

“For the rest of your life, you’d pretend you don’t know a thing?” Helena wiped away her tears. “No, Jess. I won’t do that to you.”

“You think it’ll be easier for me to wonder for the rest of my life what the woman I’ve fallen hopelessly in love with traded me in for?” I asked softly, letting her hear how much it was hurting me. Not because I wanted to manipulate her like my mother. But because she had to know how important she was to me.

I watched Helena battling with herself but didn’t say another word. If she wanted to go, I wouldn’t stop her. It was up to her now whether she thought I’d earned her trust.