Page 175 of Pull Me Under

‘Then stay here. Figure it out. You don’t have to decide everything today.’

‘I’ve already been here a week.’

‘So make it two. Make it a month.’ Lily squeezes my arm. ‘Mum loves having you here. She keeps looking at you like she can’t believe you’re real. And I—’ She stops. Swallows. ‘I spent nineteen years being an only child. I’m not ready to give up my sister after seven days.’

My throat tightens.

Sister.

I’m still not used to that word. Still not used to having someone who shares my blood, my father’s stubborn streak, the same way of chewing her lip when she’s thinking. Someone who stayed up until two in the morning with me three nights ago, looking at old photos of our father, trying to piece together the man we both lost without ever really having.

‘I’m not giving you up,’ I say. ‘That’s not what this is.’

‘Then what is it?’

I look around the room. The yellow curtains. The apple tree outside. The house that smells like cooking and laundry detergent and something I’m only just recognising as home.

‘I don’t know,’ I say honestly. ‘I just know I can’t hide here for ever.’

‘It’s not hiding. It’s healing.’

‘Maybe.’ I zip the bag halfway. Leave it open. A compromise. ‘But I think I need to go back and face it. Whatever it is. Even if he never—’ I stop. Can’t finish that sentence.

‘Even if he never what?’

‘Forgives me.’

Lily’s quiet for a long moment.

‘You didn’t do anything wrong,’ she says finally. ‘You found a letter. You were trying to figure out how to tell him. That’s not a crime.’

‘I should have told him immediately.’

‘Maybe. Or maybe there’s no good way to tell someone their entire life is built on lies.’ She shrugs. ‘You were trying to protect him. That’s not the same as betraying him.’

I think about Jude’s face in that hospital room. The way he looked at me like I was the enemy. Like everything we’d built was ash.

You knew. About my mother. About your father. About all of it.

He didn’t want to hear that I’d only found out the day before. That I’d spent one agonising night trying to figure out how to tell him without breaking him.

Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered. Maybe he would have looked at me the same way regardless.

But I’ll never know, because he didn’t give me the chance.

‘I should finish packing,’ I say.

Lily doesn’t move.

‘Where will you go? If you’re not staying here and you can’t face Sea Salt Bay?’

‘I am going to Sea Salt Bay. That’s the point. I’m going back.’

‘And if he’s there?’

‘He’ll be there. It’s his village too.’ I shove a pair of jeans into the bag with more force than necessary. ‘I’ve got a boat to finish. A business to build. A crew relying on me for the next call-out. I don’t get to stop doing those things because a man broke my heart.’

‘Very brave. Very stoic. Very you.’