Page 50 of How We Loved

We braved Song-Time again. Ben came. Caused a bit of a stir. Anyway, I’m in the cool mum gang now, despite Hope puking in my mouth that time. I’m meeting Elodie and Katie later for a coffee.

I’m nervous.

I’ve already made new friends for a lifetime with Mer, Beth, and Jayne. I guess I never considered having to do it again for different areas of my life.

Being nervous is good, though because it’s getting my mind off the fact I’m meeting Zoe Benedict tomorrow. Ben has Hope. Apparently, the lyrics are flowing.

Who’d have thought this would be my life?

14th April

Okay. Meeting Zoe Benedict went better than expected. I’ll get there in a minute; first, I need to write down all that happened during Latte Gate 2023.

Latte Gate 2023 involved us meeting for the first time for a coffee. Hope sat on my lap before she reached for my latte and pulled the steaming mug towards herself, then spilled it all over the table. This caused Elodie and Katie to break out in wild screaming, fearing she was going to be burned.

It was all wild panic and very, very loud. Hope was totally fine, of course. Turns out I’m not half bad at ‘some’ of this parenting stuff, and my reactions had been lightning fast. I lifted her out of the way of the coming froth tsunami. The same could be said for the jeans. I had to walk home looking like I’d had a serious case of the shits.

I don’t think I’ll be meeting Elodie and Katie again. Which was fine with me. To be honest, they just made me feel like shit, comparing whose baby was doing what first. Elodie’s six-month-old Caleb is nearly walking already, apparently. Good for him.

Hope and I are still working on a roll from side to side. I demonstrate often, but she’s still not quite getting it. Then it was all moan about their husbands, moan about their cars, moan about their five-star holiday that wasn’t quite up to scratch.

And this is the thing I’ve realized. Ben and I are so lucky with our lives. And sure, things are comfortable now he earns so much in royalties, but we aren’t flashy. We’d still have Deathtrap Cooper if it weren’t for the fact we didn’t want to put our baby into a coffin on wheels. Maybe we could even afford a bigger house, probably much bigger, but that would mean moving away from Mer and Tristan and not having them downstairs anymore, and who would want that?

So yeah, Putney yummy mummies can do their thing, and I’ll do mine. I’ll just be the only one of my friends with a baby, and that’s okay with me. Maybe that’s the path we were always meant to be on.

So all in all, I was feeling quite liberated as I set off to see Zoe. I decided to venture in with an open mind, neither set on one outcome nor the other. I had Ben and Mer on board with the prospect, but I still had my parents, other friends, and Tristan to talk to about it. Let’s not forget that during Year One at uni, I had him down as a total pervert for perusing Meredith. Actually, now I think about it, maybe that should be shared with the world... I’d get the last laugh after all. Total Arse that he is.

Zoe was waiting for me at the reception of her office... on Fleet Street. Sorry, just going to put that down again, FLEET STREET. Yep, we are talking a major paper, and well, a major payout to go with it.

There’s a catch, though. It’s a no-holds-barred column they want. Single women in London. I mean, Jesus, don’t they know they can watch Sex in the City for that? They want the dirt and the drama, and well, generally every time I’ve managed to make a tit of myself over the last nearly three years.

And let’s be real here, there’s a lot of material to use.

On the flip side, I get to keep all future rights, i.e. if a publisher approaches me with a deal, or a television network, the original rights are mine to do with as I will. Of course, by this point, I was practically rolling around on the floor laughing and wiping tears from my eyes.

It’s a huge deal. Am I up for it? I guess only time will tell.

28th April

Ben has gone for a gig. Paris... yep... Paris... Tristan is such a jammy bastard; he’s taking to this manager stuff better than I ever thought he would. Ben was desperate for me to go with him, but Hope is teething. At least I hope it’s teething and not her turning into Satan’s Spawn. I’ve never heard so much crying in all my life.

I’ve been up almost all night. I think I managed to get about an hour or two with her asleep on my chest after the Calpol had started to work, but then she was back on it again, with me pacing the floor up and down. At least I’m getting my steps in.

It feels hard right now, this mum malarkey.

Meredith knocked this morning and asked if I wanted to help later today, but I said no. She’s got to study. She’s got to pass her history degree. I know it’s stupid of me, but I get this almost bitter edge when I think that they will all soon be finishing soon and I’ve effectively dropped out.

God, who do I think I am? Surely Maria Antoinette proved, no woman can have her cake and eat it. I still haven’t confirmed the deal with Zoe. I’m thinking. Am I though? Or am I just procrastinating because I’m scared? Ben is due back tomorrow.

29th April

God.

Who knew that teething made nappes so explosive. Something else I think they should put in baby books or on condom packets.

Ben walked in from his Paris gig, looking exhausted, only to find me trying to teach Hope how to crawl.

Why’s she not crawling already?