Page 35 of How We Loved

“I was wondering when I could come back to work, actually. Maybe Feb, March?”

Baz looked up from where he was cooing at Hope. “What do you mean come back?”

“Well, come back to work? As in, this is my place of work and I come here every so often to keep you company...”

“Oh.”

“Oh what?” Why did I have a feeling this wasn’t going the way I thought it would.

Baz shrugged, but as usual his face gave everything away. “I guess I just figured you wouldn’t be coming back, what with the baby, Ben being home, finishing uni eventually.”

My mouth flapped for a moment. “Well yeah, but I do have to have a life, a job of my own. Money is good.”

“Lilah, I paid you peanuts. Barely over the minimum wage.” “Yeah, but still.”

“What’s going on?”

I’ve never been able to hold anything back from Baz, so I no longer try. “I just want to make sure I keep some financial independence.” What I realized pretty quick at this point was that there is no way to say this without making out something awful is going on.

“Why? What’s wrong with Ben?”

“Nothing.”

“Lilah...”

“Well. Don’t you think it’s weird he’s been back since June and hasn’t done a single thing at all for his own career?” He left the band and...” I held my hands wide. “Well, that’s it. He left the band.”

“He did the acoustic session for the BBC.”

“Yep...” Baz leaned against the till counter. Hope was asleep with her head on his shoulder, and damn if that baby of mine didn’t just make me want to explode with joy. She does this thing when she’s sleeping, her little lips purse into a rosebud and then quiver gently as air streams in and out of her mouth. She’s so cute when she’s sleeping. “Maybe he’s stuck. Leaving the band, breaking his contract, coming back to England, having Hope, even finding out Hope was happening,” he gave me a pointed glare at this which I scrunched my face at. “All things like that can block you.”

“Block? What do you mean?”

“Well to be creative, to write, it has to just come. It just appears from inside you. Ben’s had a lot of real-world decisions to make, it uses a different part of your brain.’”

“Huh. How does he unblock?”

“I don’t know. “

“That’s really not helpful.”

He shrugged. “I can’t help; everyone is different. I know that I used to need a total brain reset. I had to not think about songwriting at all - then usually something would come about.”

“I think the problem we have is that his brain has been on a little bit too long of a break.”

Baz chuckled which woke Hope up. I took her back; he’d been far too long with her anyway. It was my turn.

“The thing is, Baz,” I said as I tucked her back into the pram. “We’ve got to get a new normal; this can’t be a never-ending holiday.”

Baz shook his head and then pulled me in for one of his giant bear hugs. “You’ve got to be the only woman alive who’s ever said that.”

“Yep, that’s me. Swimming against the flow.”

He kissed my cheek, and I said our goodbyes. As I walked back up the high street, though I had an idea. My route took me past the stationers, so I popped in and got a new notebook for Ben. He used to always have his notebook in the back pocket of his jeans. A notebook and a biro. I popped into WHSmiths and grabbed a bulk box of biros too. Then as I walked, I called Bev, Ben’s mum.

I had an idea, and maybe it will work.

It’s time for some sea, fresh air, and well, you never know... maybe some sex.